Everyone is Depressed
by MattheJ1
Summary: The Smash fighters try to assemble while facing their greatest foe yet - clinical depression. Warning: while there are jokes, this story does deal with some serious issues.
1. Chapter 1: Let's go, I guess

Everyone is depressed

**Chapter one**

**Let's go, I guess**

Princess Peach took a sip of tea. "Well, this is nice, isn't it?" she said. She received no reply.

She looked around at the other people sitting at the table, and the false smile fell from her face when she realized nobody was paying enough attention to see it.

Mario pushed around the remaining crumbs on his plate with his fork. Luigi had fallen asleep, his face smushed into the half-eaten slice of cake on his plate – an amusing sight, but only enough for a slight exhalation from the nose. Daisy, seated next to her, had just realized she was being spoken to, and flashed her a half-smile, using her teacup to hide its retreat from her face.

Peach sighed, leaning back in her chair. It took all of her regal restraint to keep from propping her feet up on the table. She settled for summoning a Toad with a footstool, which he brought without comment or enthusiasm.

She didn't know why everyone was feeling this way. The kingdom was flourishing, their quality of life was better than ever, and she was surrounded by some of her best friends. She had no reason to be feeling this way, and everyone else had even less reason. They were at peace, something that every kingdom strived for, but now that they finally had it, everyone seemed not to know what to do with it. Baking cakes, usually her island of respite in the sea of chaos that was her life, now felt utterly banal. Even the Vibe Scepter, her most prized possession, brought only fleeting joy.

She'd hoped that inviting Daisy might at least make a difference, but it turned out that it was much the same with her. Her kingdom was also doing just fine, save for a slump in productivity. No strife within the kingdom, or from outside, for that matter – Bowser hadn't even been seen there in months.

Bowser…

"Say," Peach said, straightening herself. "We haven't heard from Bowser in a while, have we?"

This remark earned the attention of two of the three guests. "Nope," Daisy said. "Been quiet for a while now. It's…great."

"I bet he's up to something," Peach said, standing up. "Some kind of plot."

Mario lifted his head from his hand, somewhat interested.

"Any time things are quiet on his front, it means trouble for us," she continued. "The longer the quiet, the bigger the trouble."

"Yeah!" Daisy said, having found a bit of enthusiasm. "Last time he left you guys alone for this long, he was off making friends with a dragon! I bet he's coming up with a scheme right now!"

"Well, we can't just let that happen again, can we?" Peach said.

Mario roused his brother, relaying the conversation this far to him. Luigi shrugged. "Again?" he asked drowsily.

Daisy's fleeting excitement started to fade. "So, you guys will go over there and stop whatever he's planning, and we'll…just sit here and wait, I guess."

The brothers nodded, but Peach interjected. "Not this time," she said. "I'm coming, too."

"What?" Toadsworth blurted out, rushing over. "Please, your Majesty – if Bowser is plotting something, you should stay here, where it's safe!"

Peach patted him on the head. "The safest place I could be is with Mario and Luigi," she said reassuringly. "I'll be fine."

_Besides, I'm not spending another second in this castle. It's more of a prison than anything Bowser could come up with._

"I'll come, too!" Daisy shouted. She seemed especially enthused by the prospect of an adventure, since she'd been on so few.

Mario and Luigi showed little such enthusiasm. They stepped out of their chairs and prepared for the journey, their cries of "Let's-a-go" rote and perfunctory. They seemed to realize how flimsy Peach's rationale was, and it was clear they were just going through the motions. But at least they were _in_ motion.

xxxxxxx

A lone Koopa swept the floor of the hallway leading up to Bowser's throne room. He looked up at them, gave a small wave, then returned to his duty. He was the only minion the four of them had encountered on their way to the king. The drawbridge was down, the gates wide open. No traps halted their progress, and any lava they saw was purely decorative. There hadn't been a single locked door in their way, or even a closed door, for that matter. The same was true for the throne room door, which lay open to reveal Bowser, lounging in his throne.

Daisy leaned over to the bros. "Is it always this…easy?" she whispered.

Luigi shook his head, while Mario muttered, "Basically."

Bowser's posture and demeanor made no change as the quartet marched in, as he regarded them with half-lidded eyes. "Well, well," he muttered in a deep baritone. "Look who my minions didn't drag in. Peach, Mario, Luigi, and…Daisy, right?" He propped up his head with a fist. "Wondering what's taking me so long? Or are you here to kidnap me, just to mix things up?"

"Save it, Bowser!" Peach declared. "We know you're up to something!"

Bowser chuckled bitterly. "Up to something, sure. Plotting to kidnap you, maybe? Because that's all I ever do?"

"Well…yeah," Peach said, losing steam.

"Oh, sure," he grumbled. "I kidnap you, spirit you away, maybe send my kids out to take some castles, then wait for your red and green retrievers to come and fetch you. Every. Single. Time." He leaned forward in his chair. "Well, guess what, princess? I _was_ planning to kidnap you. It was a good plan – probably my best plan ever. But I gave up. You know why? Because after I had put it all together, I realized I was already planning for what would happen when Mario beat me. My greatest plan, and I already knew it wasn't going to work." He sank back into his seat. "It's the same thing every time. I do all the work, put in 100 percent, spent tons of money on castles, traps, weapons, construction, and then those two buffoons run through it all while the paint's still wet. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing, except a few new bruises."

Bowser looked down, sighing deeply. "Then, I decided I'd try something else. Something other than kidnapping you and taking over the kingdom. I've got all these resources, so surely I could do something with them. I couldn't even get started, because I don't even know _how_ to do anything else. I've been trying to kidnap you and beat Mario for so long, I've forgotten how to do the other things that make me happy – if I ever had any to begin with. And now that even that doesn't cheer me up…what will? What could?"

The four heroes just stood there, listening to his rant. Once it was over, they remained silent. What else could they say?

Eventually Peach stepped forward, a gloved hand outstretched. "Oh, Bowser-"

Bowser snapped his head up. "Don't pity me," he snapped. "That just makes it worse."

Peach pulled her hand away. Mario and Luigi stepped forward, fists raised.

Bowser pushed himself out of his throne, groaning in his fight against entropy. "I don't want to fight," he said, taking a few plodding steps forward. "We all know how it'll end, right? But that's what you came here for. Maybe, once it's over, you'll leave, and I can go back to sitting here in silence. Just do me a favor and break some stuff on your way out. My carpenters are just as bored as I am." He raised his fists.

"No," Peach said, loud and clear. Everyone turned to look at her. "We're as bored as you are, Bowser, but it won't be fun for any of us to beat you up for no reason." Mario and Luigi nodded, lowering their hands. "There must be something else we can do. Together."

Bowser snorted. "Like what? Karting? Tennis? We've done it all already. That's old hat, too."

Daisy put a hand to her chin. "What about Smash?" she volunteered. "You always seem happy there."

Bowser rolled his eyes. "You don't know how it works, do you? The Hand organizes the Smash tournaments, not us. We get a letter in the mail, and then we go. What, do you think we could just fly over to Hyrule or Dreamland and ask them to punch us in the face?"

"Yes," Peach realized.

"What?"

"There's nothing stopping us from having an unofficial tournament," she said. "It'll be a bit more leg work, sure, but…I've got time. I say we do it."

The two brothers looked at her, excitement beginning to flicker on their faces for the first time in a while. "That's-a why you're the princess, princess!" Luigi exclaimed. "Count-a me in!" Mario nodded in assent as well.

"Well, not me," grumbled Bowser. "I've got better things to do than listen to Ganondorf brag about how easy it is to conquer _his_ kingdom."

"Like what?" Peach asked, hands on her hips. "Sit here and stare at the wall?"

Bowser sighed heavily. "Fine," he said. He looked up. "Junior!" he shouted through the ceiling. "Get down here! We're going to Smash!"

"In a minute, dad!" came the irritable reply. "I'm busy!"

"Now, Junior!" Bowser growled. "Turn off that stupid machine and get down here!"

"FINE!" Bowser Jr. shouted. The group heard a series of loud stomps above, steadily moving towards the staircase. Eventually Bowser Jr. appeared, still grumbling angrily and with a Switch poorly concealed within his shell. "Let's do the Stupid Smash Bros, then."

xxxxxxx

Bowser's airship thrummed as his underlings started it up. The first six members of the new Smash roster walked down the gangway

"Want to sit up front?" Bowser asked Peach. "Or would you prefer your old cage in the back?"

Mario scowled, but Peach waved him down. "I'll sit with my friends, thank you," she said primly, walking ahead.

"Suit yourself," Bowser said, but once he was sure she couldn't see him, he sighed, gazing at her forlornly. Then he turned, and saw Luigi regarding him curiously.

"What are you looking at?" he growled. Get a move on, or you'll be_ my_ seat." Luigi scampered up the gangway, afraid. Bowser followed behind, in a sullen mood. Little did he realize, he'd be even angrier once he reached the top.

Noticing everyone had stopped at the entrance, he walked through the door. "Well, what are you all waiting fo-" He stopped when he saw who was already on board.

Wario sat at a table covered in food, stuffing his face. The remnants of a taco encrusted his mouth, and he somehow seemed to be even fatter than usual. If he had noticed the group at the door, it hadn't stopped him from chewing with his mouth open. He was presently halfway through a chili dog, dripping sauce all over the floor.

"What are you doing here?" Bowser shouted.

Wario turned to face him, still chewing as he began to speak. "Oh, hey Bows. Internet's out at my house. I thought I'd crash here for a while. By the way, you're out of-" He paused to emit a hearty burp, not even making an effort to turn his head away. "-Hot sauce," he finished.

Bowser snarled, then turned to a Koopa scuttling by. "How long has he been here?" he growled.

"A couple weeks," the Koopa said, clearly scared. "He just showed up and started barking orders at us, and nobody wanted to say no to him."

"And you didn't think it was important enough to tell ME about it?" he thundered.

"We tried!" wailed the trembling tortoise. "We told you that there were two intruders aboard your flagship, but you said you didn't care as long as it wasn't Mario!"

"Well, that doesn't mean you just leave him here and keep restocking the– wait, two?"

Just then, Yoshi came through a door off to the left, nose-deep in a bag of Cheetos. He waved at the newly arrived party, scratching his now-pudgy belly with the other hand.

"This guy followed me here," Wario explained. "Guess he was as bored as I was."

Bowser's rage bubbled over. "GET OUT! Both of you! We're going to Smash!"

"Smash, eh?" Wario said, scratching his unshaven chin. "Might be fun, I guess. When do we take off?"

Bowser clenched his fists with rage. He looked around at the rest of the assembled group for a solution on how to deal with him. After a second pass, Bowser Jr. spoke up.

"We can't leave him here, dad. Last time we did, he took over my room and made a mess! You think any of these clowns are gonna stop him?" He gestured at the Koopa.

Bowser there up his arms in surrender. "Clean up this mess," he commanded, pointing at Wario. "If you get my airship dirty again, I'll chuck you off mid-flight!"

"You got it, boss," Wario said. He turned to the Koopa. "Hey, shellhead. Clean up this mess!"

The Koopa's eyes darted back and forth between Bowser and Wario. "Yes, sir – I mean no, sir – I mean…" He finally passed out from stress.

"All right, no more interruptions!" Bowser said. He turned to a Shy Guy wearing a captain's hat. "Helmsman! Take us to Hyrule, or Dreamland, or…whatever's closer, I guess." His rage subsiding, he tromped below deck.

"Sheesh, what's his problem?" Wario said, scratching his butt and smelling his fingertips.

"I…think I'll go find a bunk," Peach said, eager to get some distance from the noisome new guest. Daisy followed.

Finding an empty cabin, Peach set out her supplies and collapsed into one of the beds. All this effort had sapped her energy, and from the subsequent sound of another body hitting a different bed, she could tell Daisy felt the same way.

A low vibration started up, and she felt the sensation of being lifted. "Well, we're off, I guess," she said, her voice muffled by the pillow. She ran through the list of destinations they'd have to go through before they even got into a single fight, and her head swam. "This is gonna be a lot of work," she mumbled.

"Hey," Daisy said, "we took the first step, and that's the hardest one, right? Besides, it beats sitting in a castle and staring at a wall, right?"

Peach chuckled. "Guess so."

This trip would be a good thing, she knew. She'd been in a rut for the past couple of weeks, just doing the same thing over and over. This would be a welcome change, and maybe it could help get her out of this funk.

She rolled onto her back and thrust her fist into the air. "Forward, then. To adventure!" She lowered her arm and rolled onto her side. "Or, at the very least, to reuniting with old friends."


	2. Chapter 2: Hy and low

**Chapter two**

**Hy and low**

_Wham_

_Wham_

Something was pounding on the door to the throne room of Hyrule Castle. Ganondorf sat on the throne, waiting for whoever it was to break through.

Perhaps 'sat' was too strong a word. 'Slouched' was closer, though it alone couldn't describe the depths of his posture. He was splayed ungracefully over it, with no part of his back touching the back of the throne. Still, he straightened as the pounding increased in force, and the doors began to buckle.

"Is he finally back?" he muttered into his fist. "About time, too."

The doors burst open, and in strode Bowser, with Peach and her entourage close behind.

Ganondorf's body sagged again. "Oh, it's just you," he said dejectedly. "What brings you clowns here? Did one of my underlings clog a toilet and call you?"

"Save it!" Peach shouted, pointing a finger at him. "What are_ you_ doing here?"

"Well, I was cleaning my sword," he said, gesturing at a pristine sword leaning against the throne. "After that…not much of anything, really."

Peach wasn't relenting. "Where's Zelda?" she demanded.

Ganondorf sighed. "She's locked in the dungeon," he said.

Zelda entered the room. "Oh, we have guests," she said.

"Never mind," Ganondorf said, little surprise in his voice. "She got out."

Zelda regarded the newly arrived group with surprise. "Oh, Peach, it's wonderful to see you," she said, walking over to her with open arms. She gave Peach a weak hug, then stepped back. "Although…I must confess, I had hoped you wouldn't have to see me like this."

Peach looked around the massive room. Save for the newly destroyed door, there were no signs of a struggle anywhere. In fact, a fine coating of dust covered most of the room and furniture. "What happened here?" she asked. "Where's Link?"

"Gone," Zelda said. "He just left without telling anyone. Then he showed up." She jabbed a thumb in Ganondorf's direction, who was drumming his fingers on the throne's armrest. "We both knew there wasn't much I could do until Link returned, so we…came to an agreement, without a fight."

Peach's eyes widened. "You handed over your kingdom to him?"

Zelda hung her head in shame. "Wouldn't be the first time," she said.

"But you can't just abandon your people!" Peach said. "In Castle Town, everyone was overcome with despair!"

"They were like that when I got here," Ganondorf shouted from the throne. "Nobody even seemed surprised when they saw me."

Zelda nodded. "Sadly, he's telling the truth," she said. "None of my guards even raised a finger against him."

"But," Peach continued, "the fields were all fallow, the farmers too weak to even tend their crops."

"What do you want me to do about that?" he snapped. "Send my troops to beat them until they do their damn jobs?"

"N-no," Peach admitted.

Zelda sighed. "I thought a little solitude might give me time to find a solution for my people's misery," she said. "But…I have no idea what to do."

"Still," Peach said, "that's no reason to let evil triumph!"

Ganondorf let out a bitter chuckle. "Oh, you've got it all wrong, missy. I never triumph." He stared out the open doorway. "Link's still out there, somewhere. As soon as he gets back here, my 'reign of terror' is over – for a few centuries, maybe. Then we do the whole thing over again."

"It's a cycle, you see," Zelda said. "He, Link and I are destined to battle, again and again, good always rising to put down evil." She slumped. "But if we truly are destined to do this forever…does that mean we'll never move on? Never progress, just relive the same fight until the end of time?"

Peach put a hand on her shoulder sympathetically. Zelda looked at it and smiled weakly. "I bear the Triforce of Wisdom, you see. It's my duty to look ahead and see how to best move forward. But the more I look forward, the more I see the same thing, repeating over and over. And I question…is there even a point to it all?"

"Bah!" shouted Ganondorf, throwing his sword. It sailed above everyone's heads, clanging against the wall. Everyone turned to look at him. "Oh, what a pity, little miss perfect is tired of beating me over and over. At least you get to win!"

He hopped down from the throne. "How do you think it feels to be me? To know that no matter how hard I work, or how strong I get, I'll never win? Not because my opponents were better, but because the goddesses decreed it a hundred thousand years ago?"

"It's called being a villain," Bowser growled. "Accept it, or give up."

Peach turned to him, hands on her hips. "And which one of those were you doing when we found you?" she asked scoldingly. Bowser scowled at her, but said nothing.

Zelda composed herself. She put a hand on Peach's shoulder and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry," she said. "You didn't need to hear any of that. You've got your own problems, I should keep my woes to myself."

She looked at everyone else assembled. "You're putting together a new Smash tournament, aren't you? That's why you all came here." She lowered her eyes. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can attend this time. I just don't feel up to it."

"Are you sure?" Peach said. "It won't be the same without you."

Zelda attempted another smile. "It'll be fine," she said. "You're a good leader, you'll do well. Better than a princess who lets her own castle be-" She stopped mid-sentence, wiping away a tear. "Say hi to Samus for me, will you?"

Bowser snorted. "I don't see the point. If she's acting anything like you, him, and everyone in my kingdom, it won't cheer her up at all!"

Peach wheeled around. "You're not helping!" she hissed.

But when she turned back to Zelda, it seemed the opposite was true. Her head had perked up, and the look of dull sadness had been replaced with one of curiosity.

"Everyone in your kingdom is suffering from this malaise as well?" she questioned Bowser.

"Ma-laze?" Bowser repeated. " If that means being a lazy layabout who doesn't follow orders, then yes, all my subjects are being ma-lazy."

She turned to Peach. "Is this happening in your kingdom, too?" she asked.

"Yes," Peach said, unsure of where she was going with this. "Daisy's, too." Daisy nodded in assent.

Zelda stroked her chin. "Interesting…four kingdoms, suffering from the same condition…" She looked up. "Change of plans. I will come with you."

"Awesome!" Daisy said, pumping her fist.

"Really?" Peach said. "What made you change your mind?"

"A suspicion," Zelda said. She turned to Ganondorf. "Are you coming, too?"

"No," he said, arms folded. "It's only a matter of time before Link comes back. I might as well savor this castle while I still have it."

As if on cue, the group heard a rustling behind them. Link walked up, hand resting lazily on his sheathed sword.

Ganondorf's bitter scowl turned petulant. "Okay, looks like I _am_ coming after all. Just give me a few minutes to let him beat me."

The group parted. With a wave to Mario and a pat on the head to Yoshi, Link stepped forward. He had barely taken three steps before Ganondorf clutched his heart, writhing half-heartedly.

"Oh no, the power of the Triforce, it's too much for me," he said in a monotone. "Nooooooooo." He did a fake dive off the throne podium, then stood up a second later. "Ready now," he said. "Where's the Halberd?"

"We're not taking the Halberd," Bowser growled. "We're using my airship."

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow. "Really? Why?"

"Because I said so, that's why," Bowser rumbled.

"Did you clean it since last time?" Ganondorf sneered.

"I'll clean your clock, old man," the Koopa snorted, spouting steam from his nostrils.

The two continued to bicker as the Smash fighters, now eleven strong, exited the castle, Peach and Zelda taking the lead with their respective heroes close behind.

Peach leaned over to Zelda. "What're you thinking, Z?" she asked quietly.

"Like I said, P, it's just a hunch," Zelda murmured. "I don't want to get everyone riled up for something that might not even be real. But if it is…then it's a good thing you've come."

Peach smiled. "I think it's a good thing anyway," she said.

Zelda looked back. Link, seeming to have grasped the urgency in her body language, was now walking taller. Mario's posture had straightened as well, and Bowser Jr. walked with a puffed-out chest, if only to imitate the two heroes. Bowser and Ganondorf were still arguing, but their body language was more animated than it had been in a long time.

The corner of Zelda's mouth quirked upwards. "Yes, P," she said. "Maybe it is."


	3. Chapter 3: Too tired to dream

**Chapter three**

**Too tired to dream**

A faint boom rocked the central chamber of castle Dedede, causing a few minor vibrations. However, the two occupants of the room didn't notice this, as their attention was fixed on the giant screen in the center of the room, and the controllers in their hands.

"C'mon, Sombra! Why don't you Dededo your damn job!" the taller figure shouted.

"Poyopoyo!" the shorter one agreed.

At the far end of the chamber, the double doors opened. The two barely registered this fact, and it took a few more seconds to realize someone was approaching.

"Izzat the pizza man?" Dedede called, not turning his head. "Money's on the table."

"No, it isn't," Peach said, passing by the table. Wario discreetly pocketed the money behind her back.

Dedede turned around. "Peach? Mario? And the rest of ya? What are y'all doing here?" he asked. Kirby disengaged from the game long enough to give everyone a friendly wave before returning to it.

"Visiting," Peach said. "What are…you two doing here?"

"Tryin' to reach platinum," Dedede said, turning back to the screen. "Well, I'm going for platinum. He's going for diamond."

Zelda, at a loss, tried to figure out how to broach the next topic. "You…are aware that Meta Knight is currently bombarding your castle, aren't you?"

Another distant boom served as a punctuation mark to her question.

"Is he still doin' that?" Dedede said, sounding mildly annoyed. "I thought I told those good-for-nothing Dees to raise a white flag two hours ago!"

"They did," Zelda said. "He hasn't stopped attacking yet."

"Oh," Dedede said. "Being a real jerk about it, ain't he?"

"You're not worried about this at all?" Peach asked incredulously.

Dedede scoffed. "Please. This castle's been through way worse. It ain't gonna fall today," he boasted. "Or at least, it ain't gonna fall before this round's over."

Just then, the double doors burst open, and Meta Knight stormed in. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked, furious.

Dedede glanced at him. "Oh, hey, Meta Knight. Hey, isn't it a war crime to keep attacking someone who's already surrendered?"

"Surrender is not the outcome I was looking for, you idiot king!" Meta Knight shouted. "My attack was supposed to spur you into action, to leave your castle and take hold of the reins of power you have so foolishly neglected!"

"Come on, Drama Knight, the kingdom's doin' just fine," Dedede protested. "'Cept for the maniac in a mask going around, blowin' up castles!"

"It is _not_ fine, you feckless, flightless fool!" Meta Knight said. "What once was merely a lazy kingdom has now grown despondent, paralyzed, useless! Our exports have dropped to zero, and we are wide open to attack! Exactly the kind of situation the king of this land should be working to improve, not twiddling away his thumbs inside his bedroom, growing fat on junk food and sodas!"

At last, Dedede seemed to have taken offense. He set down the controller and turned to look at Meta Knight. "Oh yeah?" he said, puffing up his chest. "I bet you'd be so much better at it, wouldn't you? You want me to agitate the throne and let you see how hard it is running a kingdom with a masked lunatic running around blowing stuff up?"

"It's abdicate, not agitate!" MK corrected. "And I would not accept it! I defend this land – you rule it! You can't just shy away from work the moment it gets hard!"

"Face it, pipsqueak, you don't want to be in charge, either!" Dedede said, jabbing a finger at the masked man. "All you wanna do is fly around and-"

"Enough."

She didn't even have to raise her voice. As soon as Zelda spoke, the two arguing men stopped immediately and looked at her. Dedede hung his head, embarrassed.

"Forgive me, princess," Meta Knight said, wrapping his cloak around himself to indicate his regained composure. "I have grown…restless, of late. I have spent too long in my base, doing nothing but practicing my swordsmanship – and falling behind, even at that – only to emerge and find the entire kingdom had been even less productive in that time." He glanced over at Kirby, who had set down his controller. "When I discovered that these two had holed themselves up in this castle, wasting day after day on frivolous games – I decided to take drastic action, while I still had the resolve to take any at all. As if it was a foe I could vanquish."

"So you decided to fly over and try to blow us up?" Dedede asked, frowning.

MK lowered his head. "Dummy rounds," he confessed. "Made to sound powerful, but destroy little. All bluster, no results." He sighed. "If I wanted to, I could've razed the entire castle by now…but what would that have accomplished?"

At his angriest, Meta Knight had seemed taller, somehow. Now, he looked deflated, as small as ever.

Zelda nodded understandingly. "You've been feeling it too, haven't you?" she said. "The depression that's been plaguing all of us." She turned to Kirby and Dedede. "Have you two, as well?"

Kirby nodded sadly. Dedede shook his head at first, but seeing Kirby's admission, eventually nodded as well.

"You're not alone. I've been having the very same feeling, as has everyone else here, as has all of our kingdoms." She clenched her fist. "And I don't think it's of natural causes."

"Huh?" Dedede said. Everyone else seemed equally confused. "Whaddaya talking about?"

She turned to the side, addressing the whole assembled group. "Think about it, everyone. Five kingdoms, all suffering from the same ennui at the exact same time? If this were a physical illness, we might call it an epidemic, but depression doesn't work like that."

"The whole world sucks," Ganondorf said. "Everyone, everywhere. There's your explanation."

Zelda was unfazed by his interruption. "That doesn't explain it, either." She looked at Meta Knight. "When did you first notice this feeling?"

Meta Knight put his hand to a spot on his mask that must have represented his chin. "Well, it has intensified of late, but I would put its origin at maybe…five, six months ago."

Zelda queried the other people assembled, who all came up with similar answers.

"So, we all started feeling this way at the same time, which implies we all had the same cause. And what did we all do together, a short while before six months ago?"

Peach was the first to realize where she was going with this. "We fought Galeem and Dharkon," she said.

"Correct," Zelda said. "Galeem, who drowned the world in light, and Dharkon, who draped it in darkness."

"So? What's your point?" Bowser asked. "Did we all just get sad after beating them?"

"No, it's a bit more complex than that," Zelda said. "We've fought a number of strong foes – Tabuu, Master Core, and then those two. Each time, a new one has arisen to claim the power vacuum created by the defeat of the last. We've since been waiting to see when a new powerful being might take the reins. But what if one already has? One who seeks not to wreathe the world in light, or dark, or Subspace, but indifference?"

She leaned forward, delivering her central point with a decisive tone. "What if we are already at the mercy of another interdimensional monster?"

Peach gasped. Dedede scoffed.

"Big deal," he said, grabbing Kirby by the head and pointing at him. "This guy eats interdimensional monsters for breakfast. Literally, sometimes! Soon as this new guy shows its face, he'll take care of it!"

"But they aren't showing their face," Zelda said. "Unless we seek them out, they may choose to stay hidden until everyone is paralyzed with indifference."

"You're speaking with a lot of confidence for someone who just pulled all of this out of her ass," Bowser grumbled. Peach slapped him on the arm.

"I admit, I could be wrong about all of this," Zelda conceded. "But even if I am wrong, there is something that's gone wrong with this world, and sitting at home in our castles won't fix it."

Meta Knight nodded. "Yes, I agree, it is better to consider all possibilities and plan for the worst. What do you propose, princess?"

"Just what Peach had already been planning," Zelda said. "Assemble the Smash Bros. again. With all of our resources combined, we will easily be able to discover the nature of this threat. And if it turns out there is no threat, we will simply have another tournament."

Dedede sprang into action. "I'll get my badges ready," he said. "See if I can modify them for…depression, I guess." He raced of into his inner chambers.

"Poyo poyo!" Kirby shouted, assuming a fighting pose. He ran to Mario's side and shook hands with him.

"The Halberd is idling outside," Mega Knight said. "I will tell my knights to prepare the rooms for occupants."

"Oh no, you won't," Bowser said, stepping forward. "We're taking _my_ airship this time. It's already set up for long distance travel, and everyone has a room picked out, so we don't need-"

"Finally!" Wario shouted, elbowing past Bowser. He waddled towards the door. "I couldn't spend another minute on that airship. It's filthy!"

Everyone watched him go silently. Then Peach spoke quietly. "I…don't think your airship has enough rooms for everyone we'd be picking up, anyway." She looked apologetically at Bowser. He didn't answer.

Meta Knight coughed. "We could take both ships. A fleet would work just as well as one-"

"No," Bowser said. "We'll take yours. It's _so_ much better than mine, after all." He turned to the group. "You have ten minutes to get all of your crap off of my ship before it leaves."

Peach opened her mouth to make a conciliatory statement, but he cut her off with a snort. Everyone left to honor his demand, except for Meta Knight, who offered his hand. "I can offer you the services of my hangar," he said. "It could house your ship until we-"

"Nope, it's going straight home," Bowser said, not looking at him. "Feel free to give my crew the address, though. I might have them carpet bomb it on the way out. It won't do much, I'm sure. Not as much as _yours_ would." He stomped away in a jealous funk.

Dedede came back just in time to see him go, carrying an armful of his badges. "What's his problem?" he asked.

"A great many things, I suspect," Meta Knight said.


	4. Chapter 4: The gods must be lazy

**Chapter four**

**The gods must be lazy**

_Book five_

_The world of light and darkness_

_The Smash Fighters were reunited once again, but tragedy struck almost immediately! A new foe known as Galeem, a being of perfect order, met their initial attack and overwhelmed them, knocking out almost every fighter in a single blow! Only Kirby was left, and the world fell under Galeem's control._

_Slowly, the heroes rallied, regrouping and fighting back. Inch by inch, they repelled Galeem's forces, struck down his generals, and confronted him. He was a tough foe, but they defeated him after a mighty battle._

_But the threat was not defeated yet. As soon as Galeem was defeated, a new foe, named Dharkon, the master of chaos, seized upon Galeem's weakness, threatening to enshroud the world in darkness. Undeterred, the fighters pursued him, shattering Dharkon's forces, then defeating him._

_But neither foe was truly dead, and they mustered their remaining troops for one last battle. With the aid of Master Hand and Crazy Hand, the fighters mastered both light and darkness, and engaged the two malignant deities in one final battle. Galeem and Dharkon, unable to stop fighting each other long enough to face their common foe, were truly defeated, once and for all. The heroes returned to their respective homes, and they all lived happily ever after._

_-The End-_

xxxxxxx

Rosalina closed the storybook. "And that's the end of the story."

She looked around the library. Most of the Lumas had fallen asleep by now. Some were curled up on chairs, some lay on the floor, and a few were snoring while still floating. The few remaining awake ones seemed on the verge of falling asleep themselves.

She chuckled melodically. "All right, bedtime," she said. She placed the storybook back on the shelf.

A small blue Luma tugged on her dress. "What happened next, Mama? What did all the fighters do after that?" he asked.

She smiled. "Like I said, they lived happily ever after. They went home, back to their friends and family and did…all the things people do when they don't have a big monster to fight."

"Like what?" the child asked, tilting his head.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Throw parties, drink tea, take naps…whatever they wanted."

"But…what if they _wanted_ to fight big monsters?" the Luma asked, puzzled.

The hint of a sad expression flitted across Rosalina's face, but the young Luma wasn't alert enough to catch it. "Well," she said, "they probably found some other big monsters. Or just sat around, waiting for one to find them."

The Luma still wasn't finished. "So, does that mean they weren't happy?"

"No, of course they were, but…" She clasped her hands together. "I'll explain tomorrow," she said.

"Okay," the child said, satisfied. He flew over to an open spot on a nearby sofa and sank into it.

Rosalina headed for the door, glancing back inside as she left. "Good night, children," she said softly, addressing the few remaining awake ones. "Tomorrow, we'll read…" She looked at the bookshelves, recognizing each book by memory.

_Let's see, I've read that one already, read that one, and that one, read that one twice, and…_

Her eyes scanned from row to row, bookshelf to bookshelf. Each book produced the same reaction. Every single one.

She realized that her smile was faltering, and redoubled it. "You know what? It'll be a surprise."

She kept up her grin as she waved the Lumas good night. Only once she had left the room, and scanned around her to make sure nobody was watching, did she allow herself a sigh.

_Well, that's a lie. There's not a single surprise left on this whole ship._

xxxxxxx

Rosalina sat on the edge of the observatory, dangling her feet over the void. She allowed one of her heels to slip from her foot, let it fall for a couple of seconds, then caught it with her magic and brought it back onto her foot, then repeated the process.

She looked out into the stars, head on her hands and elbows on her knees. Thousands of tiny pinpricks of light against the blackness of space, each one unique in its own way, with billions more out of sight. And yet, looking at them now, she found there wasn't a single one she couldn't name.

"There you are," said a voice from behind her. "I noticed you weren't asleep."

She turned. A black Luma floated a few feet away, looking at her.

"Oh, hey, Polari," she said, offering a smile. She beckoned him in. "Haven't seen you all day."

"Oh, I was just taking stock of our provisions," he said, drifting to her side. "Somehow, despite how long it's been since we made port, we're drastically overstocked on food. We should have no trouble making it to our next destination."

"Oh, that's good," Rosalina said, more dispassionately than she had intended. "How's the beacon?"

"Just fine," Polari responded. "Burning just as brightly as ever." He drifted in and touched her shoulder. "Which is more than I can say for you."

She chuckled, shaking her head. "I can't hide anything from you, can I?" She looked out into the stars. "I was looking through the library today, and I realized that I'd read all of the books. Every single one, cover to cover. Some of them more than once – most of them, in fact."

"Ah, I see," Polari said. "We'll have to pick up some more the next time we fly by the Book Nook Galaxy."

"Yes, that'd help," she said. "Temporarily. But we'd still only have a certain number of books. A finite number."

Polari frowned. "I don't quite understand."

"I'm an infinite being, Polari," she said. "I'm going to live forever, until the end of time. And even then, well, I've lived through the death of one universe – who's to say the next one will be the end of me?"

Polari patted her shoulder. "And you've already run out of things to do, is that it?"

"Not exactly," she said. "There's always the children to take care of. They're precious, each one of them, and there's always more of them to replace the ones that leave. But I've got to find something else to do with my time. I can't define my whole life by them. Every time we complete our journey to the gateway, the universe feels smaller. We pass the same galaxies each time, meet the same species."

"Not always," Polari pointed out. "There was that one time, with Bowser, and Mario."

She smiled. "Yes, that was an exciting time, wasn't it? But I just checked on them last week. They aren't up to much, either. No races, no parties, nothing." She chuckled at the irony. "To think, I'd be impatient waiting for a couple of mortals to invite me to something."

A dot of light streaked across the sky, drawing their attention. "You know, down on Earth, they wish upon comets like that," Rosalina said. "A foolish sort of ceremony, hoping the comet will grant their wishes. I wonder how many people have wished upon us as we passed them by. I wonder how many of those wishes have come true."

"Why don't you make a wish on this one?" Polari asked. "If anyone could make a wish come true, it'd be you."

Rosalina laughed. "Sure, I guess I will." She closed her eyes and made her wish.

Polari squinted. "Wait a minute," he said. "That's not a comet."

Rosalina took a closer look. He was right. It was moving too fast, and it was far too small and too close. And furthermore, it was turning, curving, towards…

"It's coming right at us!" Polari realized, alarmed.

Rosalina hopped to her feet. "Ready our defenses," she said. "We won't be taken unaware like last time."

But as she squinted at the approaching shape, it started looking familiar to her. "Hold on," she said. "Isn't that the…"

As the object neared the observatory, it turned slightly to the side, and her suspicions were confirmed. "It's the Halberd!" she remarked.

"Should I still prepare the defenses?" Polari asked.

"Uh…yes," she said. "Just to be safe."

But it seemed the ship was not hostile at all. It approached the garage, turning to a passive angle and slowing down. And as it drew close, she recognized a few figures standing on the deck. Three princesses waved at her, and Meta Knight stood next to them, wrapped in his cape. Then, as the ship stopped, he pulled back his hand and flung a small white object towards her, spinning like a frisbee.

Rosalina caught it between her index and middle fingers, then turned it over. It was an envelope, with a familiar seal attached.

Immediately, excitement filled her body. She cupped her hands to her mouth. "I accept!" she shouted. "Just let me call a sitter!"

She pulled out her cell phone and hit "L" on her speed dial. After five rings, she heard the familiar tenor voice.

"Yo, this is Lubba," he said lazily. "Who is this?"

"Hi, Lubba," she said. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Hey, Rosie!" he said, enthusiasm entering his voice instantly. "How are you? How's the ship? How are the Lumas?"

"Well, that's the thing," she said. "I'm going to Smash again, and I need someone to watch the children while I'm out. Do you think you could-"

"Are you kidding?" he interrupted. "I love those little scamps! I'll be right over!" He hung up without another word. Rosalina didn't bother calling back to ask when he could make it. When Lubba said he'd be right over, he meant _right_ over.

A few seconds later, a portal opened up in space, and the Starship Mario came screaming through. The Lumas, some of whom had been woken up by the Halberd's noise, were now all up and out, looking at the unusual fleet before them.

"Hey, kids!" Lubba said, floating down to the observatory.

"LUBBA!" they screamed, mobbing him.

Rosalina turned to address them. "Mama has to leave for a bit. I'll be back soon, I promise."

"You just leave it to me, sister," Lubba said. "We'll have some great fun, won't we, kids?"

All of the Lumas cheered in assent.

A red Luma tugged on her dress. "Can I launch you onto the ship, Mama?" he asked. "I've been practicing!"

She patted him on the head. "Of course you can."

"Great! Then just hop into me after I…TRANSFORM!"

He turned into a launch star, and Rosalina promptly hopped in and launched herself, flying in an arc towards the deck of the Halberd. She landed gracefully on her feet, right in the middle of the gathered crowd.

"Welcome aboard," Peach said, hugging her warmly.

Meanwhile, Bowser chuckled. "Told you she wouldn't even need to read the letter," he muttered to Ganondorf, who slipped him a ten.

Rosalina turned back to the Lumas, who were waving her goodbye. "See you soon, children! I'll have a new story for you when I get back!"

The ship fired up its engines again, heading off towards its next destination. Lubba watched it go, and sighed.

"I guess I'm just not cut out for Smash," he said wistfully. "I'm not in shape for it. Maybe I should use those P90X DVDs I bought last month." He stroked his chin. "Nah, I'll do it in a few weeks." He turned to the Lumas. "Hey, who wants to play space tag?"

"ME!" screamed the Lumas in unison, and the observatory was filled with the sounds of laughter and merriment.

xxxxxxx

Skyworld, never busy to begin with, had slowed to a crawl. No monsters darkened the skies, and no angels brightened them. The fastest moving objects in the whole realm were the clouds.

Within her inner chambers, Palutena lay all but motionless, languid in a bathtub the size of a stadium. A giant, half-eaten bunch of grapes lay on a platter next to her, abandoned. It was the only thing she'd eaten all day.

Pit walked into the room, using the door at floor level. "Lady Palutena," he said with little of his usual exuberance. "You have visitors."

He didn't seem too shocked to see her in the bathtub – as well he shouldn't, since she'd been there for the past three days.

Palutena peered down at him. "Do I, now," she said, lazily tracing circles in the water. "Is it Zeus, wanting to play dice with me again?"

"No, it's the Smash fighters," he said.

"Oh," she said, brightening a little. "Send them in, then."

Pit did a double take. "Send them in?" he repeated. "In…here?"

She sighed. "Yes, Pit, in here. That's where I am, isn't it?"

"But you're…you're not…" He gave up, lowering his arms. "Fine. If you're fine with them seeing you like this, I'm not gonna argue with you."

He left the room. Palutena rested her arms on either side of the tub. "And why shouldn't I be?" she murmured to herself. "Aphrodite walks around like this, and everyone worships her."

Shortly afterwards, the cluster of people came in, Peach in front with Pit guiding her. She started looking around at her eye level. "Um…Palutena?"

The goddess chuckled, angling her head so that she could look down at them. "Up here, Peach," she said.

Peach looked up, then did a double take. "Oh! Hello, Palutena." She and the others looked around, realizing exactly what this room was. "Is this a bad time, or…"

"Now what would give you the impression that this was a bad time?" she asked, smirking.

"Um…nothing," Peach said. Everyone else was silent, transfixed.

"Then spit it out," Palutena said. "You're getting a new Smash Bros. tournament together, aren't you?"

"Y-yes, but there's more to it than that," Peach said. "We believe there is a new evil force in this world, one that's sapping our will to fight."

"Well, Zelda believes that, anyway," Bowser mumbled in a voice he probably thought she couldn't hear.

Palutena exhaled. "Well, as a goddess of this realm, I can't ignore such a threat, can I?" She looked around the gathered group. "Haven't recruited Bayonetta yet, I see."

"We're honestly not sure where to find her," Peach admitted.

Palutena put a finger to her chin. "I may be able to help with that. But first…"

She clapped her hands together, and a dazzling blast of light filled the room, blinding all occupants. When the light faded, Palutena was standing in front of them, human sized and fully dressed. "I accept your courteous invitation."

"Well, we're happy to…" Peach trailed off as her vision returned. She stared at the goddess, concern blossoming on her face. The rest of the party adopted similar expressions.

"What?" she asked, making sure she had dressed herself properly. "Is there something wrong?"

Peach recovered. "No, not at all," she said quickly. "You look good. Very…thin."

Palutena looked down again. Her robe, which normally conformed snugly to her body, was loose in the waist and other areas. Her belt was sagging, and as she put a hand to her stomach, she felt her ribs protruding. It had kind of snuck up on her, but they must've immediately noticed her waist was now three inches skinnier. At least.

"Oh, that," she said. "I haven't been hungry, so I haven't been eating." She shrugged. "Better than the opposite, at least."

"I…suppose so," Peach said. "Come on, let's get to the Halberd."

They started walking, but only a few steps later, Palutena began to feel dizzy. Peach noticed that she was off kilter and slowed her pace, but it didn't help much. She looked down and realized her legs were shaking.

Peach signaled to the group to stop. "Is everything okay?" she asked quietly.

Palutena smiled. "Of course it is," she said, trying to reassure her. "I just…forgot I could do this, that's all."

She clapped again, and suddenly they were all standing on the deck of the Halberd. Wario sighed in relief at not having to walk back to the ship, though obviously he didn't say thanks. "Now, where are the rooms?" she asked.

"This way, your Majesty," Meta Knight said, taking her hand. Peach felt a little relieved to see that he, too, set a slow pace. She could always count on him to be paying attention, at least.

Everyone else headed for their own rooms, but Peach grabbed Pit's arm before he could follow. "How long has she been like this?" she asked quietly.

"Like what?" Pit responded.

"Undereating!" Peach hissed, grabbing his other arm. "She's not doing well, isn't that obvious? You're her guardian, you're supposed to…"

It was then that she realized how scrawny his arms were. His belt seemed to be cinched tighter than usual, and his cheeks were sunken.

"Yeah, well, I've got my own problems," Pit said. "If there's a demon that's making food lose its flavor, point me towards it and I'll kill it. Otherwise…I got nothing."

He walked away, head guiltily pointed down. Whatever guilt he was feeling, it was nothing compared to Peach's. She clasped her hands to her chest, empathy radiating from her.

"I should've done this weeks ago," she said to herself. "Or at least done _something._"


	5. Chapter 5: Waste of witch time

**Chapter five**

**Waste of witch time**

"So finally, in the fifth fucking inning, Ramirez actually hits the ball, okay?" Enzo said, adjusting his mirror. "Solid line drive, shoots right past the pitcher. But you know what he does next?"

In the back seat, Bayonetta stretched out along the entire width of the car, her head sticking out one window and her feet out the other. "I can't possibly imagine," she said.

"He starts WALKING! He puts the bat down like it's made outta glass, and he fucking walks towards first base!" Enzo pounded his fist on the dashboard for emphasis, chipping off a piece.

Bayonetta yawned. "It seems he cared about that game just as much as I do," she said.

"But that ain't the worst part," Enzo continued, oblivious to her sarcasm. "He actually made it to first base, because the shortstop doesn't even run for the ball! He starts walking, too!"

Bayonetta looked out the window as Enzo continued to rant and rave. There was surprisingly little traffic, which Enzo was taking as an excuse to drive as recklessly as possible. She was grateful – at least the wind on her face made her feel like she was going somewhere.

The three worlds rarely aligned, but were all united today in their pursuit – nothing. Heaven wasn't making any moves, hell wasn't either, and the human world, bereft of their influences, was lying motionless, like a puppet with no strings. Which should've been just fine – she was due for a break – but even she was running low on items on her bucket list. She'd been to three out-of-business sales this month, and barely bought anything at any of them. Even hedonistic freedom had its limits, and she was bumping up against them.

A splotch of darkness against the sun caught her attention. She looked up at it, then pulled her head back into the car. Enzo continued rambling, unaware.

"And the coach doesn't even put up a fight, even though anyone who's got eyes can see-"

"Hit the brakes, Enzo," Bayonetta said.

"Huh?" he responded, turning to look at her.

"Stop, now," she commanded.

Obediently, Enzo slammed on the brakes. A second later, a centaur dropped from the sky and thrust its lance into the car's engine block, exactly where Enzo's head would've been if he hadn't braked.

"What the fuck?!" he exclaimed, his head slamming into the steering wheel, then back into the seat as the airbag deployed.

The centaur roared at them through the now smashed windshield. Though he couldn't see it, Enzo felt the spittle from its mouth hit him in the face. Screaming, he dove for the floor, putting his hands over his head. He looked at his passenger, who had taken the crash much better than he did. "Whaddaya waiting for?" he demanded of her. "Get out there and stop that thing!"

Bayonetta leaned back. "Actually, Enzo, I was thinking maybe you could take this one."

"What?" he screamed, incredulous.

Outside the car, two more centaurs fell behind the first. They brandished their lances threateningly.

"Oh, fine, I'll do it," she said. She opened the car door and stepped out, cracking her back. "All right, boys, let's make this quick."

The first centaur snarled, lunging at her and standing with his spear. She stepped to the side and entered witch time. Then, in one fluid motion, she pulled out a stiletto knife from her purse and slit the centaur's throat.

Time resumed, and the centaur grabbed its throat, gurgling as the blood spilled from its wound. A few seconds later, its knees gave out and it fell to the ground, dead.

The two remaining monsters charged her at the same time, so she deftly stepped in between them. She swung the knife overhead as she entered witch time again, cutting the jugular veins of both of them in one motion. She walked away, and when time resumed they both let out a guttural screech before dying, their bodies falling next to the first one. The encounter had ended in roughly five seconds of real time.

_Score: 30_

_Rank: F_

"Oh, who gives a toss?" she said. "They're dead, aren't they? And I saved my dress this time."

Enzo stepped from the car shakily, seeing that she was done. He looked around. "That was it?" he said, disappointed. "Where was all the crazy dancing, and the jumping, and takin' off your clothes and stuff?"

"Well, I would, but I've already done my cardio for the day," she said. "I'll see you later, Enzo."

"Wait, what about my car?" he shouted, gesturing at the wreck.

"Oh, don't worry about it," she said, not turning around. "I can walk from here."

"But…you…" he sputtered at her back. Finally, he threw his arms up. "Fuck!" he shouted, kicking the nearest tire, then swinging his foot around, trying to find a corpse to kick. "You stupid angels!" he shouted. "What, did you think my car wasn't enough of a piece of shit already?"

xxxxxxx

The Gates of Hell had few customers: namely, one. Bayonetta sauntered up to the counter, taking her usual seat. Rodin appeared from behind the counter, a drink in hand. "Good to see you, girl. So what'll it be?"

"Depends," Bayonetta replied, twirling the three halos she had acquired from the fight around her finger. "How much will three halos get me?"

"From anyone else, they'd get a stern look and directions to the exit," Rodin replied, snatching them. "You, I don't think you'll have any trouble with paying your tab."

"In that case, I'll take a vodquila," she said.

"My, my," Rodin said, grabbing the necessary bottles. "In a hurry to get drunk today, huh?"

"That's what I'm here for."

Rodin passed the shot glass her way. "And here I thought it was for my sparkling personality," he sparred.

"You'd better not have anything sparkling in here," Bayonetta retorted. She downed the shot in a single swig, then placed it on the table with a clack. "Second verse, same as the first."

"Now hold up there, girl," Rodin said. "I'd like to get in a few words while you can still respond in complete sentences."

"What's there to say?" she asked. "Yesterday rolls into today, rolls into tomorrow. No big action, no big fights, just mortal business."

"Word on the street is the little fights aren't grabbing your interest anymore, either."

She held up the shot glass. "Loosen my lips, and I'll tell you why."

Rodin tsked at her, but he did as she asked. Once the glass had been filled and emptied, she began to talk.

"Have you ever heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results?" she asked.

Rodin nodded. "Never made much sense to me," he said.

"Well, call me insane, because I've been killing the same angels over and over, and something different has happened," she said. "I've gotten bored."

Rodin nodded. "Happens to everyone. It's called a job."

"Yeah, well I'm pretty damn sick of this job," she said, pushing the shot glass forward imploringly. "I don't see them giving up any time soon – I'm sure trying to kill me is the most fun any of them have. So what's a witch to do?"

He shrugged. "Get a hobby," he suggested.

She snorted. "Like what? Collecting stamps? Catching butterflies?"

"Gee, lady, does he have to solve all of your problems?" said a voice from behind. She turned and looked at the new visitor.

A young boy with unkempt hair and dark robes walked in the door. As he took the seat next to her, Bayonetta noticed his wings.

"Well, well, you're that Pit fellow," she said. "A long way from home, aren't you?"

He glowered at her. "I'm not Pit," he said. "Don't ever call me Pit."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ah, yes, yes, that whole evil twin business, I forgot. That would make you…Dark Pit? Pittoo?"

"Bless you," he said snarkily. He turned to Rodin. "Give me a double shot of Jager, on the rocks," he demanded.

To Bayonetta's surprise, Rodin pulled out a double shot glass and started pouring. "Rodin!" she scolded. "He's clearly a kid."

"We don't discriminate here," he replied. He somehow fit a couple of tiny ice cubes into the glass, then passed it to Dark Pit, refilling her shot glass shortly after.

"Listen, lady, I may not be as old as you, but I'm not a kid," Dark Pit said, pointing a finger at her.

"Yes, of course, how could I possibly make that mistake," she said, looking him up and down. She spotted a sleeve on his left arm, a dark maroon in contrast with his otherwise black robes. "I like that little accessory," she said, gesturing at it. "Very fashionable."

He jerked his arm away, as if she had slapped it rather than praised it. "Thanks," he said sarcastically.

He took a sip of his shot, then spat it out. Rodin had long since moved out of the way, clearly having anticipated this.

Bayonetta tried not to chuckle, but she did anyway. She drank her own shot, then grabbed his glass and emptied it as well, slamming them both down on the bar.

"You're here to talk Smash, aren't you, child?" she said. "Well, if you were hoping to convince me to come by drinking me under the table, I hope you have a backup plan. Or a taller table."

"I don't even care if you come," Dark Pit said, glaring down into the bar. "That stupid Palutena just sent me here because, just because I don't have anything else to do, I must want to run her errands, right?"

Bayonetta nodded. "That's the thing about gods," she said, patting him on the head, a gesture he immediately batted away. "Everyone's their pawn. Still…it might be nice to see her again."

"Yeah, yeah," he said. "She's real great, whatever." He put a hand to his chin, trying to remember the entirety of Palutena's message. It was, in fact, a mirror image of a pose Pit often took, though thankfully nobody pointed this out to him. "She said something about…having a spare chainsaw? Whatever the hell that means."

Her eyebrows arched, and her lips curved upwards in a broad smile. "Did she, now? Well, she really knows me, it seems." She stood up. "All right, boy, you've convinced me. I'm in." She turned to the bar. "One more for the road, Rodin."

Rodin quickly poured her another, much more forthcoming now that he knew it would be her last. "Have fun, girl," he said, sliding the shot across the bar.

Dark Pit stood as well. "Well, ain't that fan-fuckin-tastic," he said. "My job's done, I'm outta here."

He headed for the door, with Bayonetta close behind. "Yes, lead the way, child," she said, sinking her last shot.

"Pfft, as if," Dark Pit said. "I'm not going back there just for her to boss me around."

"Well, that's hard luck for you, love," she replied, taking his wrist. "I need a guide. Besides, if I didn't come back with you, Pal would have my head. She's actually rather fond of you, you know."

"I don't care!" he shouted, squirming and trying to get out of her grip. "I don't wanna go back to her. Now let go of me, you old hag!"

She chuckled. "Hag, is it? Fair effort, little angel, but if you want to piss a witch off, you'll have to do better than that."

"I'm not an angel!" Dark Pit protested, his voice growing more petulant with every word. "I'm a…I'm a…not an angel!"

"Semantics, child."

As Bayonetta passed the threshold, she tossed her empty shot glass behind her head. It twirled through the air, landing atop a stack of shot glasses with a ping. "Ta-ta, Rodin. See you when I see you."

Seeing her feat, Rodin smiled. "She's showing off again," he said to himself. "That's a good sign."


	6. Chapter 6: Listless in space

**Chapter six**

**Listless in space**

It was a seedy bar, filled with all the species of aliens leery of the bars in big colonies. Smart patrons always kept one eye on their wallets and another on their drinks, with a third eye on guard for any potential fights, if they had one. It wasn't the sort of place you'd want to be caught in alone – unless you were Samus Aran.

She sauntered through the doors, looking over the crowd as she did so. All the usual suspects were there, deeper into their drinks than usual. A Luminoth was standing motionless next to the jukebox, staring at the flashing lights it gave off – he seemed to be in the running for most lucid patron of the bar. Everyone was listless, silent, and motionless.

Samus had no trouble getting to her usual seat, using a few napkins to wipe off a bit of slime on the seat. The bartender turned to her and growled out a greeting, sounding like a threat in his dialect.

"Give me an Afterburner," she said, turning and resting her elbows on the bar. She made a second scan of the room while the barkeep's numerous tentacles navigated through the various bottles required for her drink. A Phyrigisian across the room leered at her, but she shut him down with a piercing glare that went right through him and skewered him to the wall.

The barkeep passed her her drink. She muttered thanks, receiving an ambiguous grumble in reply. She took a sip, relishing the familiar burn as it went down her throat. She noticed the blue drinks in the hands or appendages of most of the other patrons, and scowled.

Someone approached the barstool next to her and hoped onto it. "Hi, I'll have a Meister on Mars, please," he said. Samus turned to him, and smiled at the familiar furry face.

"Fox!" she said joyously. She gave him a one-armed hug, which he returned. "Fancy seeing you in this neck of the galaxy."

"I could say the same for you," Fox replied. "I was looking for you. Didn't expect to find you in a place like this, though."

She shrugged. "I asked my ship to take me somewhere I could have fun," she said. "Guess its imagination is just as pathetic as mine. I'd hoped I could find someone here I might like to get to know better, or at least get in a good fight." She regarded the bar's inhabitants with contempt. "But that's not happening here. Everyone's drinking Chloroxia cocktails."

"Chloroxia?" Fox repeated, taking his own drink in hand. "Isn't that a military-grade tranquilizer?"

"You know your stuff, MacLeod," Samus said. "It's used to pacify monsters weighing up to 200 tons. Some genius decided to throw a little into their drink, and now it's all over the galaxy – totally illegal, of course." She looked around at the glazed eyes and mindless stares around her. "The only reason you'd ever drink it is if you decided you just didn't want to feel anything at all for at least a week, if not forever."

Fox looked around, horrified. "That's terrible," he said.

Samus nodded. "Well, it's their choice, I suppose. Some creatures have such pathetic lives, maybe they'd just rather drink than think." She raised her glass to her lips. "Can't say I haven't thought about it," she muttered into the glass.

She set the drink down. "So, how are things with you? How's your team?"

"Oh, we're good," he said. "Things are…peaceful."

"A little…too peaceful?" Samus prompted.

He nodded, sipping his own drink. "We haven't had a client in months," he confessed. "Nobody wants to hire us, because nobody's stirring up trouble."

Samus nodded as well. "Same here. No bounties, no hunting. I've started doing some pro bono work just to avoid dying of boredom."

"That's nice, at least," Fox said. "If we don't get work soon, we'll be washing windows to keep the lights on."

"You guys should look into investing," she responded. After taking another sip, she cleared her throat. "So, what's up? I'd be flattered if you just tracked me down for a friendly chat, but I suspect there's a bit more to it than that."

Fox nodded. "Got a message from the Smash fighters," he said. "They're getting the team together again. They say there's a new threat to worry about – a new giant monster."

Samus arched her eyebrows in surprise. "Really? I haven't heard any buzz about a new power player, and believe me, I've been looking. When Galeem showed up, the whole galaxy was buzzing about it."

"They say that's the point," Fox said. "This new guy isn't blowing up stadiums or reshaping the fabric of reality, it's just sapping the energy from everyone. Leaving us all too weak to fight."

"Well, I guess that would explain it." She looked around. "Wouldn't have to go through all the trouble with these folks. It could just buy the bar a round and get the same results."

"I'm a little skeptical, too," Fox admitted. "But it's not like I have much else to do."

"Oh, so you'll be joining up with them?" Samus asked.

"Yep, Falco too. Even Wolf is coming along." Fox tilted his head. "Are you not going to?"

"Well, if there really is a new player in power, I bet I'd be more help getting intel from a distance than in the group," she explained, draining her glass. "I've got some contacts that I can check with, guys that'd get antsy if I had a whole entourage with me."

"Aw, but everybody was looking forward to seeing you," Fox said, let down.

"I work best when I'm alone," Samus said, signaling to the bartender that she'd like to cash out. "Every time I join up with a team, things go south fast."

She pulled out her wallet and reached for her cash, but grabbed the wrong pocket by mistake. Instead of the money, she grabbed a photo, one she'd forgotten she still had. "Tell Rosa I said-" she began, then stopped.

Pikachu smiled out at her, his laughing face frozen in time. Her heart warmed, and memories of him flooded her at once. She stared at the photo, smiling, until broken out of it by the bartender, making an impatient slurping noise.

"No, don't tell her anything," she said, handing the barkeep the cash. "I'll tell her myself."

"All right!" Fox shouted, leaping to his feet.

They made their way out to the parking lot, where their shops were parked next to each other. "So, I take it we'll be picking up Olimar and Captain Falcon as well?"

"That's the plan," Fox said. "Falcon might be tricky, though. He's in traffic court right now."

"Oh? What for?" Samus asked.

"Apparently, he got drunk while on the planet Shinar and ran 50 red lights in three minutes," Fox said.

"Shinar, eh?" Samus said. "I've been there. They all have incredibly long lifespans, so their trials stretch on for ages. They can take years to sentence a jaywalker." A smile broke out on her face. "Sounds like a rescue is in order."

She cocked her stun pistol, it's familiar click comforting after months of its absence. "So, tell me, Fox, how would you feel about breaking into a courtroom and incapacitating a prosecution full of telepaths?"

Fox smiled. "Like it'll be the highlight of my whole month."

Samus hopped into her ship. "Good answer."


	7. Chapter 7: Not so fresh

**Chapter seven**

**Not so fresh**

Inkopolis was spotless.

Everyone on the Halberd squinted down, blinded by the glare from the pure white buildings. Only the greenhouse, with its open-air foliage, offered any kind of splash of color.

"This is where they live?" Bayonetta said, surprised. "I expected a bit more…flair."

"There usually is," Peach said. "The buildings are all white so they can paint over them. They just aren't right now."

Bowser Jr. stared at the open, pristine space, transfixed. "I don't know how they can resist," he said. "It's a perfect canvas."

"We are now in Inkopolis airspace," Meta Knight announced. "The Inklings have no air defense systems, so expect little to no resistance."

"I'm not seeing any ground defenses, either," Fox said, scanning the ground. "Where is everyone?"

"Probably inside, watching TV," Zelda said. She turned on a large flat screen nearby. "Inkopolis News always has the highest ratings. Maybe we can figure out what's going on."

She flipped to the correct channel, just as a new broadcast was beginning. After a short jingle, it cut to two squids in a newsroom.

"Hold onto your tentacles!" Callie began.

"It's Inkopolis news time," Marie finished with a yawn.

"Our top story today: a giant battleship is flying directly over Inkopolis Plaza!" Callie exclaimed, a photo of the Halberd appearing onscreen. "Not much is known about the ship, so citizens are advised to stay indoors until further notice."

Marie scoffed. "Like anyone was outside, anyway."

Callie glared at her, but then continued. "In other news, today marks the six-month anniversary of the last attempted Zapfish theft!" A half-finished graphic of a banner appeared onscreen reading '6 months'. "Great news for everyone!"

"Pretty sure that's the exact opposite of news," Marie said.

Callie scowled at her. "A-and finally, let's see today's maps!"

She gestured at the screen, but nothing happened. She waited a few seconds, a grin frozen on her face, before trying again. "Today's maps are…" Still nothing. She dropped her arms and sighed. "Can someone wake Kevin up?" she called. "It looks like he fell asleep again!"

"Oh, what's the point," Marie said, slouching. "Nobody's going to play on them anyway."

Callie slammed her hands on the desk. "Okay, what is your problem, Marie?" she demanded.

"The same problem as everyone else," she answered. "I'm bored as s#!$."

The expletive was bleeped out – at least the censor guy was still awake.

"And you think I'm not?" Callie said angrily. "But at least I'm still doing my job!"

"So am I, Callie," Marie said. "Our job is to report the news and comment on it. Nothing's happening. That's the news. It's boring as hell. That's my commentary. If you want to put on a happy face, that's fine, but don't expect me to do the same."

"Marie, you…" Callie glanced at the camera. "Uh, we'll be right back after these messages," she said. "Stay fresh!" Marie at least joined in on the hand gestures as the jingle played.

She held a grin on her face for a few seconds afterwards, then dropped it. She leaned forward, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Marie…look, I get it," she said. "It's really boring right now. I'm feeling it, too. But our job isn't just reporting the news. People look up to us – they tune in every hour to hear us. If all they see is a couple of squids bored out of their minds, how are they supposed to cheer themselves up?"

"I know," Marie said, looking guilty. "I don't have the energy to keep up that façade like you do, Callie."

Callie sighed. "I hate that it _is_ a façade, Marie. It used to be so fun…can't we just throw a concert to cheer people up?"

"We already did that twice this month," Marie reminded her. "Eventually, people just stop showing up."

"I know, and it f #?ing sucks," Callie said.

She looked up abruptly. "Wait a minute, they bleeped that," she said, panicking. "Are we still live?"

She yelped when she looked at the still-on camera. "Go to commercial," she hissed, dragging a finger across her neck. "Go to commercial!"

Finally, the camera cut away, commercials filling the screen.

"Poor kids," Peach murmured.

"Who put those children in charge of a news broadcast, anyway?" Bayonetta asked.

"Inklings never develop past the pre-teen stage of life," Samus explained.

"Really?" Bayonetta responded. "How ghastly for them."

"A society of slackers," Bowser grumbled, arms folded. "Playing the same game all day, every day – no wonder it's falling apart. You need hard labor to stay motivated."

Peach folded her arms as well. "And when's the last time you did some hard labor?"

"Too long ago," he snapped. "That's why I'm not motivated!"

"Knock it off, guys," Fox said. "We need to focus. At this point, it doesn't look like we could find a single kid around here who'd wanna join us. So what do we do?"

Zelda stroked her chin. "From what I remember of the Inklings, they seemed pretty easy to amuse. If we get something loud and exciting going on, they'll come out in droves."

"What, do you have a marching band in your back pocket?" Ganondorf sniped.

"Marching band?" Pit chimed in. "Why is that the first thing you thought of? How old are you?"

Ganondorf turned to him, but before he said anything, Bowser Jr. stood up. "I know what we could do," he said, a wicked grin on his face.

xxxxxxx

After a commercial for t-shirts finished, Inkopolis News returned to the screen. Callie now had a phone on her desk, while Marie appeared to be taking a nap.

"Welcome back, everyone!" Callie said. "We're still having…technical difficulties with our screen. So, in the meantime, we're going to be doing something a little different – taking call-ins! Call 1-800-STY-FRSH, and you could appear on the show! That's right, you! The phone line is now open!"

She kept her smile frozen on her face, even as, behind the camera, half of the staff seemed to have dozed off. Twenty long, silent seconds passed.

"Hey, don't everyone call at once, now," she said. "Heh heh heh…eh…" Her forced laughter trailed off, and she slumped, head hitting the desk.

_RING_

Callie and Marie's heads both jerked up in unison. "Oh, a caller!" Callie exclaimed, fumbling with the phone in her effort to pick it up. "Hi, you're on Inkopolis News," she said casually. "Who am I speaking to?"

"Um, hello," came the voice. "This is Princess Peach, from the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Why, hello there, Princess Peach from the Mushroom Kingdom!" Callie said, twirling her finger around the phone cord. "And to what do we owe the pleasure of this call?"

"Well, I'm in the giant battleship currently hovering above your city," Peach said. "And I'd just like to warn you that there is, um, an evil plot unfolding right now."

"An evil plot?" Callie said, surprised. "That's odd, I never took you for much of a plotter, your Highness."

"Well, it's not my plot, it's from the Bowser family," Peach explained. "Bowser didn't want to call, you see – he gets nervous when speaking to a large audience."

Faintly, Callie heard a roar in the background of the call. "Don't _tell_ them that!" said Bowser's faint voice.

"Oh, I see," Callie said, resting her platform shoes on the desk. "So what kind of evil plot are we talking here? Bombing the city? Stealing our power sources? Maybe enslaving us all to the will of some giant cosmic monstrosity?"

"Oh, it's much worse than that, I'm afraid," Peach said. "Worse than you could imagine."

"Really?" Callie said, clutching the phone with both hands. "What is it? Tell us!"

"It's too horrible for words," Peach said, stifling a chuckle. "You'd better get your cameras down to the skate park, before he finishes the job." The phone clicked as she hung up.

"What job? Who? What's happening?" Callie asked, clutching the phone with both hands. "Princess Peach! What's going on?" When she got no reply, she snapped her head to the camera. "Get a camera on Blackbelly Skatepark," she demanded. "Do it!"

Kevin, it seemed, had finally woken up, and the screen cycled through several different CCTV cameras before the skate park came into view. Callie and Marie looked at the screen, and gasped.

A shadowy figure ran around the park, brandishing a giant paintbrush. He looked like Mario, only dark and see-through. He painted as he ran, walking in straight lines and curves. When he finished, he put his hands on his hips and laughed.

"Who is that?" Callie asked. "And what did he just do?"

"It looks like he wrote something. Can we pan the camera out to see all of the graffiti?" Marie asked.

Slowly, the camera shifted its angle and zoomed out, and everyone saw the word that Shadow Mario had spelled out.

_STINKOPOLIS_

Callie gasped. "That monster!" she shouted. "He's slandering the good name of our city! We need to stop him at all costs! Citizens of Inkopolis, we call on you!"

"Come on, Callie, it's not that big of a…" Then, suddenly, the pieces fell into place for Marie. "…I mean, yes! We can't stand for this!"

Callie leapt onto her desk. "Come on, everyone! We can't just let that villain do as he pleases! Head to Blackbelly Skatepark right now, and thwart his evil plans!"

Shadow Mario continued to run around the skatepark, writing things like _STINKLINGS_ and _LAME-O CITY_ as he went. Then, all of a sudden, he heard a loud rumbling. He looked up, and a series of multicolored arcs crossed the sky. One by one, Inklings of every shape, size, and color touched down around him, all clutching weapons. "Uh oh…" he said, before turning and running.

The Inklings chased after him, shooting and rolling their way towards him. Green, blue, orange, and purple trails of paint streaked across the ground, all bearing inwards towards the retreating shadowy figure. They converged and started chasing him directly, at least twelve in number and only growing more numerous as more squids touched down.

Shadow Mario triple jumped up the side of a building, and an orange Inkling inked up the wall and started pursuing him. A purple Inkling saw him land and swung his roller, trying to splatter him. When he missed, the ink fell down onto the wall where the orange squid was swimming, splatting her by mistake. The purple one gasped and covered his mouth. Another orange kid looked at him and glared. He tried to raise his hands to convey that it was an accident, but he flicked more paint in his zealousness, and the orange kid splatted him in panic. Another purple kid then splatted him with a bucket, but hit a blue girl by mistake as well. She returned fire, and then both of them were splatted by a green roller for seemingly no reason. He started covering the ground in green, but was then splatted by a multi-color barrage of other Inklings, who then promptly turned on each other.

"Oh my," Marie said. "It looks like a battle has broken out within the Inklings that were chasing the vandal."

More and more Inklings were arriving, but while a small group was still chasing Shadow Mario, it seemed most of the new arrivals weren't even interested in him. Instead, they started joining the growing battle within the throng of Inklings. The center of the skate park looked like a tie-dye shirt as differently colored Inklings fought, gained the upper hand, then lost it again. There didn't seem to be any coordination or team strategy – it was just splat and be splatted. Soon, there were fifty Inklings brawling in the skatepark.

Callie put a hand to her mouth. "Marie," she said, "am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"I think so," Marie said. "We'd theorized that it could happen, but I've never seen it before."

They both raised their fists into the air. "It's a Splattle Royale!" they shouted.

Now the whole skatepark was in chaos, dozens of Inklings battling each other. Minutes ago, it had been bare, but it now pulsed with color, every square inch occupied.

"It seems Blackbelly Skatepark is now full to bursting," Marie noted.

"Yeah. So, with that in mind, let's open up Port Mackerel and Moray Towers for this new game mode, too!" Callie said.

Seconds later, more Inklings started taking off, this time heading for the two new maps.

"New game mode…it really has been a long time since we had one of those," Marie mused.

"You're telling me!" Callie said. "We're going to need new stages for this – the old ones are working for now, but if we get bigger stages, we can have even more players! We'll also need new graphics, new lobby options, and so much more!"

"Do you think we should write some new songs to play in those stages?" Marie asked.

"It certainly couldn't hurt!" Callie said.

Marie chuckled. "We've got a lot of work ahead of us," she said, sounding thoroughly happy about it.

"Yeah," Callie agreed. "It could keep us busy for months!"

The Squid Sisters watched the screen for a while, enjoying the unfolding chaos.

"Man," Callie said, "Princess Peach should have evil plots more often!"

xxxxxxx

Only two Inklings remained on Shadow Mario's trail, a boy and a girl. They pushed him down a dead end alleyway. He attempted to backflip over them, but one of them shot him as he sailed over their heads. His shoes got coated, so when he tried to land, his feet slipped and he fell. The Inklings stood over him, guns at the ready.

Shadow Mario panted. "You…win…" he said. He outstretched his left hand. "That means…you get these."

The Inklings looked. In his hand, they saw two envelopes, with red stamps. They shouted in joy as they grabbed them, doing a little victory dance.

Shadow Mario dissolved into a cloud of dots, which then flew upwards towards the Halberd. The Inklings watched, then looked at each other and nodded. They blasted off into the sky with a super jump, sailing over the ship and coming down onto the deck, where a large crowd had assembled.

"Welcome, squids!" Pit said, giving them high-fives.

"Well, that was quite easy," Bayonetta said.

Bowser Jr. flopped onto the deck, coated in orange and blue paint. "Speak for yourself," he panted. "That paint hurts when it hits you!"

"It seems our business in this place is concluded," Meta Knight said. "I shall return to the cockpit and chart our next path."

As he walked away, Zelda stood on the edge of the bridge, looking down at Inkopolis. She had a smile on her face. Peach joined her and looked as well.

In three separate locations, colorful starbursts stained the white buildings and streets of the city. Even from up here, they could faintly hear the sounds of the Inklings playing and laughing.

"Two more fighters for the tournament," Zelda remarked. "And our first victory against the enemy."


	8. Chapter 8: The second best

**Chapter eight**

**The second best**

Viridian Forest clanged with the sounds of battle. Pokemon struggled against Pokemon, the battle lines extensive and disorderly. On one side, two trainers directed the wild Pokemon, trying to help them fight more effectively. On the other, Team Rocket grunts released their captive Pokemon from their balls and sent them to attack.

Behind the second line stood Giovanni, gesturing and shouting. "Keep it up, soldiers!" he shouted. "Drive into their right flank, it's almost broken!"

"Please, boss," a slouching grunt said to him, "can't we take a break? We've been pushing through this forest for two hours. You said it would fall in minutes."

"It would've, if you goons had any kind of drive!" Giovanni retorted. "I keep telling you to press onward, and you let me down time and again!"

"But what's the point, sir?" the grunt whined, not even bothering to add a 'respectfully' onto the start of his remark. "It's just a crummy forest in the middle of nowhere."

Giovanni gritted his teeth. "You weren't paying attention during the briefing, were you?"

The grunt didn't even have the energy to be frightened. "Guess not," he said.

Giovanni scowled. He looked at all his other soldiers, who were all basically doing nothing while their Pokemon fought for them. "All right, listen up!" he roared. About half of them turned their heads. "I'm gonna explain this loud enough for all of you to hear it, since I'm guessing you're all as worthless as this guy!" he shouted, pointing at the grunt who had questioned him. "We're attacking this 'crummy forest' because Oak's lab is on the other side of it! With his research, we'll know exactly which Pokemon to use to conquer Kanto!"

Another grunt sighed. "Great, so our reward is we get to read some textbooks."

"You shut up!" Giovanni snarled at her. "Do you think conquering the world is easy? It takes hard work and skill, something you louts wouldn't know about if you had it dumped all over your-"

_"Giovanni!"_

He snapped out of his rant and looked across the battlefield. A grey and purple figure was flying towards him, cloaked in a dark aura.

Giovanni smiled. "Knew you'd show up eventually," he said, pulling out two Pokeballs.

Mewtwo charged through enemy lines, scattering any grunts in his way. _"Stop this madness at once!" _he thundered.

"I think not," the mob boss said with a smirk. He threw the Pokeballs, releasing a pair of Alakazams. They raised their arms, and together were enough to halt Mewtwo's advance.

"You're a bit late," Giovanni said to the figure hovering before him. "My conquest has been going on for two weeks now."

_"I care not about the scuffles of humans,"_ Mewtwo said, _"until they spill over to Pokemon. I will not have you rule over them."_

Giovanni chuckled. "I don't want to rule over Pokemon," he said. "I want to rule over people, using Pokemon. You've attempted to do exactly the same in the past."

_"I don't care much for your false equivalencies,"_ Mewtwo said. _"I fight for the freedom of Pokemon, an idea that you are the antithesis of."_

"Come now," Giovanni said. "Where would we be without Pokemon?"

_"You could've conquered Kanto by now if you focused on the humans. Surely you've seen it too – the wave of paralyzing apathy that's swept the human world."_

"I thought you didn't care about us humans," Giovanni sneered.

_"It's impossible not to notice. Foot traffic through this forest has dropped to non-existent. No cars, cyclists, or pedestrians travel from town to town. Saffron City has fallen silent – all the humans do is stay in their homes. It's the perfect time to expand your reach – but you don't need to enslave Pokemon for that!"_

"It's a matter of insurance," Giovanni said. "They may all be preoccupied now, but it won't last forever. Provide an opposing force, and eventually people will take action." He looked around and grinned. "Case in point," he said, gesturing widely.

Mewtwo looked around. The Rocket grunts, momentarily stunned by his appearance, were now in motion. Those few with psychic Pokemon of their own released them, joining their forces with the twin Alakazams keeping him at bay. The two young trainers were moving in his direction, trying to provide Mewtwo aid, but now a squad of grunts moved to block their path. Still more grunts looked on, cheering for their boss and displaying an energy that had, until recently, been absent.

Giovanni laughed. "I must thank you, Mewtwo," he said. "You've done something no speech of mine could do – you motivated these clowns to take things seriously! Now we have the drive we need to push onward!"

Mewtwo intensified his psychic attack, but with so many Pokemon now opposing him, he found it difficult to gain ground. What had been a loose gang of listless thugs was rapidly shaping into an army.

_"Why you, Giovanni?"_ Mewtwo demanded. _"Every human in this region has been paralyzed by inaction for months now, except you. How have you kept your energy?"_

"Because I, Giovanni, have a dream," the mob boss replied with a laugh. "A dream that I will hold this world in the palm of my hand. And there's nothing in this world that can stop me!"

Suddenly, they heard a low rumbling noise above their heads. Humans and Pokemon alike stopped their battles and looked up. What little light had managed to trickle through the dense forest canopy was now blotted out, and a flurry of dark-purple dust began to drift down over the crowd.

Mewtwo turned to Giovanni. _"What is this?"_ he demanded, apprehensively looking at the falling dark particles. _"Some new treachery? Or is this how you create Shadow Pokemon?"_

"This…isn't me," Giovanni said, just as spooked by the stuff as Mewtwo.

A grunt ran up. "Boss!" he shouted, out of breath. "There's an airship that just flew over the forest!"

"An airship?" Giovanni repeated. "Is it Hunter J? The Societea?"

"No, sir," the grunt said. "I've never seen it before. It's got a bunch of guns and a…a mask on the front!"

"What?" Giovanni said. "Why would an airship wear a mask?"

Mewtwo chuckled. _"It seems the cavalry has come,"_ he said. _"But not for you."_

The dark particles collected into clouds, then swarmed towards the Rocket goons. The quicker ones directed their Pokemon to attack it, but their attacks had no effect. The clouds engulfed the goons, covering every inch of their bodies, then retreated just as quickly. The affected grunts patted themselves all over, not feeling any effects from the attacks. Then they looked at what the clouds were becoming, and gasped.

The clouds morphed into clones of the grunts, identical but for a dark purple aura and empty eyes. They grinned wickedly, then raced forward, charging at the real grunts. The first one threw out a haymaker, clocking her double in the jaw. A fist fight broke out between the copies and the originals.

Giovanni started, dumbfounded, at the scene. "What the fuck?" he wondered aloud. He shook himself and tried to regain control of the situation. "Don't just stand there!" he shouted. "Fight back! Use your Pokemon!"

But their Pokemon just stood there, unsure of what to do. They couldn't distinguish friend from foe, not having developed any kind of bond with their handlers that might've helped. To add to the confusion, even the real Rocket grunts still had hints of purple on them, with some of the particles still clinging to them. Combined with their black uniforms, it was almost an impossible task. Even some of the grunts were confused, accidentally slugging each other by mistake. The battlefield had erupted into chaos, with Pokemon watching humans fight instead of the other way around.

Giovanni, scowling, turned back to Mewtwo. With a command, his Pokemon intensified their psychic attacks, sending a sharp pain through Mewtwo's head. "What is this?" Giovanni demanded. "Tell me! I know you know what's going on!"

Mewtwo didn't falter. He smiled right back into the human's scowl. _"Some old friends."_

THUD

They both wheeled around. Something had crashed through the trees and landed right behind them. They watched as, from a newly-formed crater, an armored figure emerged.

"Hello there, Mewtwo," Samus said. Even though the power armor, her smile was clear. "Nice to see you again."

That was all Giovanni needed. He threw down an Ultra ball, and out burst a Machamp. "Get him!" Giovanni shouted, pointing at Samus.

Samus had just enough time for a wry chuckle before Machamp leapt forward, lacing all twenty of its fingers together into a gigantic fist and slamming down. Samus dodged and peppered it with a series of laser blasts, jumping away once again to dodge a swipe from the hulking Pokemon.

Giovanni was devoting all of his attention to directing Machamp, which meant the Alakazams were unsupervised. Mewtwo took advantage of this, launching a hypnotic ray at the first. Before it could react, it had fallen fast asleep. The other Alakazam was quicker on the uptake, and fired a psywave, which Mewtwo then neutralized. _"I would rather not fight you,"_ he said. _"But I am more than capable of it."_

Samus launched a missile at the Machamp, aiming for its leg. It impacted, but rather than slowing it down, it seemed to spur the beast forward, roaring with rage. A titanic fist clipped her helmet, and she flew backwards, catapulted away by a brick-breaking force. Samus struggled to her feet, but the Machamp was charging at her again. Frantically, she pulled out a smoke bomb and threw it at her feet. It obscured her in a cloud of thick white smoke, but this didn't seem to deter the Pokemon – how could it miss the power suit, after all?

It swung a fist, and this time it collided directly with her visor. The glass cracked with a crunch so loud Samus thought she might go deaf from it, and once again her suit was launched, flying out of the cloud and landing back-down. Machamp was on it in an instant, kneeling over the suit and unleashing a barrage of punches. All four fists slammed into it, denting and cracking the suit as if it were made of plastic.

"What're you punching, big guy?" someone whispered into Machamp's ear.

Machamp wheeled around. Samus stood there, half-obscured in the smoke still. As the Pokemon's eyes widened, she fired her stun pistol directly into its temple. It twitched, then collapsed, falling onto the empty power suit. After a quick check of its pulse to confirm it was down, she turned her attention to Giovanni.

Giovanni fumbled around in his pockets, looking for more Pokeballs. "Who are you?" he asked frantically, backing away. "How did you do that? Why are you helping these animals?"

Samus chuckled, holstering her pistol. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it," she said. She leapt through the air in a backflip, then kicked hard on her way down.

_Whap_

Giovanni went down like a sack of bricks, not even conscious for long enough to reach his hand to his head. Samus dusted herself off.

_"Are you injured, miss Aran?"_ Mewtwo asked, having incapacitated his own foes.

"Oh, just a teeny headache," she said, rubbing the side of her head. She looked down at her power suit, crumpled beneath the Machamp's unconscious body

_"Here, allow me,"_ Mewtwo said. He gently lifted the Machamp up and placed it to the side. _"I must say I am impressed. I knew you were a formidable fighter, but to singlehandedly knock out a Machamp is no mean feat."_

"It was no big deal," she said, washing her hand dismissively. "I've beaten things with twice as many arms before. Still, he put up a good fight."

Mewtwo examined the creature. _"Actually, I believe this particular Machamp is a female."_

Samus looked with surprise at the hulking body. "No kidding? Well, there's a lesson in that, I guess."

The fighting raged on around them, the grunts seemingly too occupied to notice their boss had fallen. A cloud of purple smoke approached Giovanni's body, swarming over it.

_"What are these things?"_ Mewtwo asked, regarding them with guarded curiosity.

"Shadow bugs," Samus explained. "Game & Watch produces these things. They can form shadow clones of any lifeform they've been exposed to, and several lifeforms I haven't seen anywhere else."

_"Game & Watch makes these?"_ Mewtwo said incredulously. _"How?"_

"He hasn't said," Samus said.

_"I see."_ Mewtwo looked at the fighting armies. _"So you commanded these bugs to only mimic the humans?"_

"We did," Samus said. "The Pokemon might've been stronger, but Zelda wanted to avoid casualties from them. If there was to be confusion, it should only be at the expense of team Rocket."

_"She is wise,"_ Mewtwo said. He looked around. _"You've assembled the Smash fighters, then, in part or in whole. Where are the others?"_

"Still on the ship. MK said the best strategy would be to let them fight it out, to avoid casualties on our side. I convinced them that I should come down to at least let you know what was going on." She bowed her head, them chuckled. "Besides, I had more skin in the game than them to begin with."

"Pika Pi!"

As if on cue, a young Pikachu burst out of the melange of assembled Pokemon. Not just a Pikachu, but _the_ Pikachu.

Samus smiled. She offered a reserved wave. "Hey, buddy," she said. "Long time, no see."

Pikachu showed no such restraint. He leapt into the air, barreling forward. Samus outstretched her arms to catch him. He landed squarely in her arms, then nuzzled against her chest happily. No amount of restraint in the world could prevent it from turning into a hug.

_"Ah, yes," _Mewtwo said, emotions masked. _"That one has missed you sorely in recent months. It is good to see him recover his verve."_

"Retreat! Come on, you lazy ladies, fall back!"

Mewtwo and Pikachu jumped, but Samus merely smirked. The voice was Giovanni's, but the crime lord himself was still out cold. A shadowy double now stood behind enemy lines, barking orders to the grunts.

"Are you sure, boss?" a grunt asked skeptically. "You were the one saying we needed to-"

"You bet your ass I'm sure!" Fauxvanni roared. "Now get back to base, you mangy Magikarps, or I'll dock all of your pay!"

"That's our boss, all right," another grunt said. The goons, happy to have an excuse to give up, all began to fall into retreat, some of them retrieving their Pokemon but others not even bothering. Fauxvanni led them out of the forest, disappearing in the dense foliage with 'his' army in tow.

Samus watched them go with satisfaction. "Just like the Pied Piper," she muttered to herself.

_"A brilliant strategy,"_ Mewtwo said approvingly. _"How long do these Shadow clones last?"_

Samus shrugged. "Never had the chance to figure out," she said. "He'll stick around, giving bad orders to those clueless goons, until either they figure out he's an imposter, or he dissolves into purple goop. Either way, it should demoralize them a fair amount."

_"Indeed."_ Mewtwo looked down. _"Then there's just one loose end to take care of."_ He snapped his fingers, and the unconscious body of the real Giovanni vanished.

"Where'd you send him?" Samus asked.

_"A state penitentiary, where he will resume the life sentence he escaped from," _Mewtwo said. _"There, perhaps, the malaise that blankets the countryside may find him yet."_

"I had been meaning to ask about that," Samus said. "We've all been feeling that same malaise. In every world we've gone to so far, this was the only one we didn't find sleepy and lifeless."

_"You can thank him for that,"_ Mewtwo said. _"This world only roiled with battle because he wished it so, and he only lasted as long as he did because the rest of the humans could not muster the same passion."_

"Really?" Samus said, scratching Pikachu's head unconsciously. "Interesting…"

She pondered this for a moment, but abandoned her train of thought. "Well, I'm sure brighter minds than mine will figure out what that means." She turned to Mewtwo. "Can we count on you and all the other Pokemon to return for this Smash?"

_"Most certainly. Thanks to this battle, I believe Team Rocket is no longer a great enough threat to require my presence. The Pokemon are in the debt of the Smash fighters, and by dispatching your opponent with non-lethal means, you have earned my respect. We shall depart as soon as possible."_

"Great, I'll call the ship," Samus said. As she pulled out her phone, Mewtwo hovered over to the two Pokemon trainers who had helped, informing them of the situation.

Pikachu, upset that he was no longer getting his head scratches, pawed at her, demanding attention. Samus held the phone with her shoulder, then resumed attending to Pikachu.

"I missed you too, pal," she said as the phone rang. "You wouldn't much like it in space, I'm afraid. Away from all your friends, in the cold, black void. But I will enjoy this time we have together."

"Pika," he replied, seeming content.

And so, with her old friend in hand, she waited for her companions to pick her up, and enjoyed the companionship that she knew couldn't last.


	9. Chapter 9: By the book

**Chapter nine**

**By the book**

"Of course, Princess Peach, I would be honoured to allow you use of the kitchen," Meta Knight said to her, easily keeping pace with her longer strides as they walked down the hall.

"Thank you," Peach said. "Cooking just helps me unwind. Besides, with how many fighters we've gathered so far, it would be nice to do something for them, you know?"

"How kind of you, your majesty," Meta Knight said as they reached the kitchen. Peach stepped inside. "My staff would normally start cooking dinner in roughly two hours, but you are free to take as long as you need to. Will you require a recipe book?"

"No thanks, I've brought my own," Peach said, pulling out a pink cookbook covered with glitter.

"In that case, I will see you at dinner," Meta Knight said, and he departed.

Peach walked to the nearest counter in the white, immaculately cleaned kitchen. She leaned against it and opened the cookbook, looking through all the various recipes she had assembled over the years, as well as the brief notes she had added to each page.

**Pink strawberry cake**

**Perfect for parties of five or six**

_Or, if Kirby is in attendance, maybe two._

She passed this recipe up immediately. She didn't even know why it was still in her book, since at this point she could make it with her eyes closed. But she wanted to shake things up this time.

**Pineapple upside down cake**

_Good cake to make if Wario is coming over – he hates pineapple! ;)_

She sighed. Something about reading her own little cutesy-poo jokes from the past just depressed her. And the little winking face made her want to slap herself in the face.

**Three tier wedding cake**

_For that special occasion, maybe someday?_

Another sigh. "Still definitely in the 'maybe someday' category," she muttered, a hint of bitterness in her voice.

** Double chocolate cake**

_Note: If cooking for Bowser, substitute chocolate fudge with chocolate laxatives! lol_

The 'lol' made her put her fingers to the bridge of her nose. The joke would've been funny if she hadn't written that there. How did anyone ever manage to tolerate her when she acted so bubbly and airheaded all the time? She shook her head to dislodge her negative thoughts.

**Red currant cake**

_A favorite of Bayonetta's!_

Well, that one was actually pretty tasty, if she remembered right, but…come on, wasn't there anything else in here?

She began to flip through the pages rapidly, looking for a quiche, a souffle – _anything_ else.

**Ice cream cake**

**Cookies and cream cake**

**Sarasaland special cake**

With every page she turned, she grew madder and madder. The stupid glitter was sticking to her gloves, and the notes were only getting more insufferable by the second. Her hands began to tremble, looking for an outlet to vent this anger and self-loathing but not wanting to trash the kitchen.

Finally, she slammed the book shut. "All I ever make are CAKES!" she shrieked, throwing the book against the wall. It made a cracking noise as it hit the wall, the spine snapping and scattering the pages as it fell. A hundred cakes flitted out of the book, landing face-up and mocking her lack of creativity. She seethed with anger, staring at them.

"Um, is this a bad time?" a quiet voice from behind asked.

Peach jumped. She turned around and saw a young woman, one of the Pokemon trainers that had just joined them.

"Oh, hello there!" she said, putting on a smile. "Sorry, I must've been making quite a ruckus, huh? Um…Dawn, wasn't it?"

Dawn nodded, her body language reserved and apprehensive.

"So, what brings you here, Dawn?" Peach asked, making sure to keep her voice as peachy as possible.

Dawn looked around. "Um, this is the kitchen, right?" she asked. "I thought that, since it's my first day here, it might be nice if I made poffins for everyone. I didn't expect to see anyone else here."

Peach clapped her hands together. "That's a wonderful idea, Dawn!" she exclaimed. "Um…what are poffins?"

"Well, uh, they're kind of like muffins, but, um, you make the batter with berries, and then you heat it on the stovetop, not the oven, and then you stir it, and…" She trailed off, then cleared her throat. "Um, they're pretty good," she finished.

"Oh, they sound delicious!" Peach said. "Could you show me how you make them?"

Dawn blinked, then started to shake. "Umm…I guess I could…" she stammered.

"Is everything okay?" Peach asked worriedly. "It's okay if you don't want to."

"No, no, it's totally fine," Dawn said. "In fact, it's actually better with multiple people. At least…they say it is…it makes it come out better with other people stirring too. I'm just used to doing it alone, so that's why…" Her voice grew quieter and quieter as she went on, and she kept glancing at Peach nervously.

Peach exhaled. Though she feared her first impression had already gone for the worse, she'd managed to at least realize her errors. Being 'peachy' might go down well with another princess or foreign dignitary, but as she was now, 6'1" plus heels, she clearly came off way too imposing. She stepped out of her heels, slouched, and allowed her plastic smile to fall from her face.

"I get it," she said, a much more congenial smile forming on her face. "There's kind of a zen feeling you get while running around a kitchen all alone, I know. But personally, I've had enough zen for a lifetime. Nobody else on this ship knows anything about baking, and making the same cake by yourself for years on end gets maddening. I'd like to learn how to make poffins, but I won't force you to show me if you don't want to."

Dawn was surprised by her sudden change in emotion, but she smiled when she realized that this was the genuine Peach that she was now speaking to. She stuck out her hand. "I would be happy to teach you, your highness," she said. "In fact, I'd be honored to be able to say that I taught Princess Peach something."

Peach pulled off her glitter-covered glove and shook Dawn's hand.

xxxxxxx

Two berries splashed into the poffin batter, a Sitrus and a Pecha. Orange flames roared to life, lapping at the pan, and two wooden spoons were thrust into the batter.

"Stir slowly, at first," Dawn instructed. "Switch from clockwise to counterclockwise every now and then, and stir faster as it thickens."

Peach obeyed, stirring the viscous liquid at a steady clip. Dawn stirred opposite to her, and they endeavored to keep their spoons 180 degrees apart.

"So why cakes?" Dawn asked after a while. "If you don't mind me asking."

"Why not cakes?" Peach countered.

Dawn shrugged. "Seems a little pedestrian for a princess."

Peach smiled. "You would be surprised by what royalty considers pedestrian," she said. "Being a monarch is incredibly dull. If not for meaningless, bureaucratic ceremony, I often wouldn't have anything to do at all. And once I started getting kidnapped by Bowser…well, it was scary at first, but once that fear subsided, it turned out to be even more boring." Dawn interrupted politely to tell her to switch direction, after which she resumed. "Baking fills a lot of hours, I can have as many or as few helpers as I want, and foreign diplomats are always more congenial with a belly full of cake. And most importantly, it's the one hobby Bowser lets me do even while I'm captured."

"But why would you make anything for him?" Dawn asked. "He's horrible, isn't he?"

"Well, yes and no," Peach said. "He's a villain, for sure, but he's not rotten to the core, he's just kind of…pathetic. He wants to be worse than he is, I guess. All smoke and no fire."

"So you don't hate him?" Dawn asked.

"I guess I don't," Peach said. "Can you hate someone you pity?"

Dawn didn't have an answer, so she kept silent.

"Besides, it's really my fault, anyway," Peach said, beginning to stir faster.

"Don't say that," Dawn said.

"It is," Peach said, wooden spoon moving faster and faster. "I enable him. I never make it any harder for him to kidnap me, and I always rely on Mario to save me. That's why we're stuck in an endless feedback loop, and we're just going to do the same thing over and over until at least one of us is-"

_Sploitch_

A dollop of batter splashed up and hit Peach right in the face.

Dawn's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my god, Peach, are you okay?"

Peach wiped off the batter with two fingers. "Yes, I'm fine," she said. "It's not too hot, yet." She looked around for a napkin to wipe her hand on, then realized Toadsworth wasn't there and just licked it off instead.

Dawn giggled. She covered her mouth, hoping she hadn't offended the princess, but Peach was giggling too. Pretty soon, the two of them were belly laughing.

Then Dawn gasped again. "The poffin!" she shouted, thrusting her spoon back into the batter. She and Peach stirred again, but a dark patch was now visible in the mixture, and the smell of burnt poffin filled the air.

"This one won't come out very well," Dawn said sadly.

"It'll be the villain's poffin, then," Peach replied.

Dawn chuckled. "Good thinking, your highness," she said.

Peach put a hand on her shoulder. "Dawn, please. Peach. Just Peach."

Dawn smiled. "Okay, Peach. Thanks."

As if to illustrate her point, Peach plucked the crown off her head and tossed it onto a coat rack. There it sat for the rest of their baking session, incapable of distracting either of them any longer.


	10. Chapter 10: A banquet of issues

**Chapter ten**

**A banquet of issues**

The dining table was covered with an excellent spread of food. Peach's poffins were beautiful centerpieces for a sumptuous three-course banquet, loaded with all sorts of dishes hand-picked to cater to everyone present. It was a shame, then, that not everyone was present.

"So the Pokemon won't be joining us?" Peach asked.

_"They will not," _Mewtwo said. _"Many prefer to take their meals in solitude. In any case, a dining table is no place for a Pokemon."_

"I understand," Peach said. Still, that didn't account for every absent face.

_"Miss Aran has also chosen to take her meal in her own quarters,"_ Mewtwo added, somewhat sadly.

"Link, too," Zelda said, almost apologetically. "He prefers the quiet."

"Not a problem, not a problem," Peach said hastily. "Just wanted to make sure everyone's accounted for, that's all. We're just waiting for Meta Knight, then?"

"He ain't coming," Dedede said flatly. "Said he had business to attend to." He shrugged.

This time, Peach was prepared for the disappointment, so she took it in stride. "Well, in that case, we aren't waiting for anyone, are we? Let's dig in."

The gathered fighters all began to eat, some noisily, others quietly. Peach, at the head of the table, looked at each person in turn, from the villains on her left to the heroes on her right.

Bowser ate ravenously, starting with his portion of poffin and chasing each bite with a mouthful of roast. He was a messy eater, but seemed to be attempting to make use of what little table manners he possessed, wiping his fingers on his napkin after licking them. He'd also taken the largest slice of poffin of anyone, and had made no complaints about its burnt texture. Peach had to smile over the irony – what little power she held over him, she did so with her cooking.

Ganondorf sat next to him, although she couldn't fathom why. He had forsaken the poffins entirely, filling his plate with meats and cheeses. Dedede made up for this by consuming mainly fruits and sweets. Wario, of course, had a full plate and zero manners, while Dark Pit had a little of everything and ate quietly. Wolf gnawed on a hunk of meat, as rare as the chefs had been permitted to make it. Bowser Jr. didn't seem to be eating much, as he was more concerned with tossing food back and forth across the table with the Inklings when his father wasn't looking.

On the heroes' side, she saw far less variation. Olimar had mostly fruits, while Captain Falco had all meat, but other than that, they mostly stuck to their own regional favorites. And then, of course, there was Pit and Palutena.

Pit slouched, slowly picking at his food with a fork. He took one bite for every four that most of them took. Palutena was more discreet, for better or worse. She sat with perfect posture, hands folded on the table as she made polite conversation with those to either side of her. Occasionally, a piece of food would simply vanish from her plate – not a bite at a time, but all at once, like magic. If you weren't paying attention, you might not even notice that anything was wrong. But she was paying attention.

Zelda nudged Peach under the table. She glanced at the poffin in front of her, then at Palutena. Peach nodded subtly.

Zelda cleared her throat. "Palutena, you have to try some of this strawberry poffin, it's absolutely divine," she said. She passed down a plate with a slice of poffin.

Palutena wiped her immaculate mouth with a napkin. "I'm sure it is, Zelda – everything has been wonderful." She looked at Peach, who muttered her thanks. "But I'm rather full right now." She gestured at her empty poffin plate, which had contained 80% of her original poffin mere seconds ago, as if she expected them to believe she had wolfed the whole thing down. "I have to watch my sweets, these days. They go right to my thighs."

Dark Pit snorted. "What thighs?" he sneered.

Palutena froze. Her smile remained on her face, but her eyes told a different story entirely. Her hands, still resting on the table, began to tremble.

Pit pounded the table with his fist, drawing their attention to him. "That wasn't funny," he said, pointing at Dark Pit angrily.

"I thought it was," Dark Pit said, folding his arms. "Maybe it's like a square meal, and you just aren't getting it."

Wario let out a guffaw of laughter. Nobody else did. Across the table, the heroes stared at Dark Pit, appalled. Even some of the villains seemed shocked.

Pit shook himself. "We don't have to take this, you know," he said. "Come on, Palutena, let's-" He turned to his side, only to realize that Palutena was already gone, teleported away. "Lady Palutena!" he shouted, standing up and dashing out of the room.

Zelda glared at Dark Pit. "I hope you're happy," she said. But he seemed anything but.

Dark Pit looked down at his lap. Glumly, he pulled at his maroon sleeve. "They weren't supposed to leave," he muttered sadly.

Zelda frowned, confused. "Then what were they supposed to-"

"It doesn't matter, okay?" Dark Pit shouted. "She didn't do what either of us wanted her to do, because she's stubborn!" He reached out and grabbed Pit and Palutena's plates, dragging them out of Wario's range before he could snatch them. Then, ears red, he stomped out of the dining room.

The room was quiet, a thick, awkward silence hanging around them. Bayonetta, having watched intently as the whole thing unfolded, poured herself another glass of wine and filled it to the brim. After some time, Rosalina stood up. "I'll go check on them," she said, pushing her chair in.

"Thanks, Rosa," Peach said as she passed by. She then turned back to the table, trying to pretend their number hadn't just diminished by four.

More silence. It was as if you could hear the clock ticking.

Daisy cleared her throat. "Hey, Bayonetta," he said. "Is there any more of that wine?"

Bayonetta emptied her own glass. "D'you know what, I was wondering the same thing," she said, tapping her fingers on the empty bottle. "Meta Knight must have a stash somewhere around here." She stood up. "Let's go find it, eh?"

"Uh, that's okay," Daisy said. "It's not that big of a-"

"Balderdash," Bayonetta said. She slung an arm around Daisy's shoulders, an action she had to bend over to perform. "We've got the right to get drunk, don't we? It's the staff that's failed us for not providing enough drink!"

"Uh, I guess?" Daisy said uncertainly. She allowed Bayonetta to stand her up, then lead her from the room, the taller woman swaying only slightly.

Peach fought a strong urge to rub her temples.

_At least it's better than Bayonetta drinking alone. I guess._

Before this silence was allowed to fester, Fox nudged Falco. "Hey, where's Wolf?" he asked.

Falco looked. The gray wolf was nowhere to be seen. "Maybe he snuck out to cause trouble," he said.

Fox sighed in an exaggerated way. "Agh, what a pain," he said. "Excuse us, Peach. We'll take care of this."

"You can wait until the end of the meal," Zelda said, recognizing their ploy in an instant. She pointed a finger at the two of them, who shrank back from it as if it were the finger of Master Hand himself. "We haven't finished dinner yet."

"No, it's fine."

Zelda turned, with some surprise, to Peach, whose composure and posture had finally begun to crack.

"They don't want to stay, they don't have too," Peach continued. "We're not their princesses."

She still kept her face neutral, but her attempt to keep her voice peachy was a lost cause. The heroes all at in place, feeling guilty for their desire to leave. The villains, however, had no such compunctions, and they all got up and left – except for Wario, who merely grabbed whatever plates they didn't take with them. With the precedent established, the heroes then began to leave one by one. Mario was one of the last to move, but with a reassuring nod from his princess, he left as well.

Only once the room contained only three people – Peach, Zelda, and Wario at the far end of the table – did Peach fully drop the façade. She let out a deep groan, and her head banged on the dining room table. "Some dinner, huh, Z?" she muttered, voice muffled.

Zelda patted her on the back. "It's okay, P," she said. "This wasn't your fault."

"Well, it still happened, didn't it?" Peach said, propping herself up on one elbow.

"Perhaps this was a bad idea from inception," Zelda said. "We're all suffering from some unknown dark influence, and placing all such volatile personalities so close together was bound to draw something out."

"So what do we do, then?" Peach asked.

"Well, I'll eat here, and you can eat there," Zelda said, pointing to Peach's seat. "And the rest of them…well, they'll eat where they please, with whom they please."

Peach smiled. "That'll do, I guess." She raised her glass and clinked it with Zelda's.

xxxxxxx

Link sat in his room, silently eating his dinner. He ate quickly, wolfing his food down as fast as he could. It was nice to not be constrained by table manners, though that wasn't the reason he chose to eat alone.

The room was sparsely populated – a bed, a table and chair, a chest for his clothes, and little else. Empty space abounded, giving him plenty of room to stretch out. Since most of the other swordsmen hadn't yet been picked up, he spent a lot of his time here, just lying on the bed and thinking. Alone with his thoughts, as he preferred to be.

A sound of commotion in the hallway made him turn his head. It sounded like Bayonetta, very noisily walking down the hall and talking to someone else. He waited until the noise faded away down the hallway before returning to his food.

He didn't have a problem with her, of course, or any of them, really, but it was just as well that he was in here and they were out there. What would even be the point of eating with them? He had nothing to say to most of them, and they all had enough to say to each other. He'd be alone no matter where he was.

Someone knocked on the door. He looked at it, surprised. He hasn't heard then approaching, so it was evidently not Bayonetta, but then who could it be? He considered not answering, but thought better of it. No sense being rude before having a good reason to be. Brushing some crumbs off his tunic, he went to the door and opened it.

Yoshi stood in the hallway, holding his dinner plate. Link brightened considerably, smiling at Yoshi, who smiled back. Link patted the pudgy dinosaur on the head, which he seemed to appreciate.

There was no need to ask why he was here. The question was self-evident, as was the answer. Yoshi never left a meal unfinished, and it seemed he didn't want to finish it with everyone else, or alone. Yoshi looked at him, awaiting an answer to his unspoken question.

Link smiled warmly, and beckoned him inside. Yoshi followed, eager yet careful not to spill anything.

For a second, Link fretted about having only one chair, but his old buddy seemed more than happy to stand and eat. Link offered him the chair anyway, but Yoshi waved it away. Link sat down instead, and returned to his meal.

Now that he was no longer alone, he forced himself to remember the lessons Zelda had given him on table manners. Having no spoon, he dipped his fork into his mashed potatoes and tried to pick up as much as possible. He then took a sip of water, a trick he had learned to keep himself from eating too quickly. He then regarded his friend across the table.

Yoshi was attempting, with little success, to cut a piece off of his steak. He wasn't using his fork to hold the meat steady, and he had only brought a regular knife instead of a steak knife. Furthermore, looking at his half-eaten steak, Link saw bite marks instead of straight cuts. To cap things off, after every bite, Yoshi would raise a napkin to his mouth, whether or not he had any food on it.

Link had to chuckle, realizing they were both doing the exact same thing. The noise attracted Yoshi's attention. Link established eye contact with the dinosaur. Then, he reached down, picked up his steak, and took a bite out of it.

It was as if a spell had been shattered. Yoshi smiled, then dropped his utensils and picked up his own steak, tearing into it hungrily. Link did the same, dabbing his steak in mashed potatoes before biting into it. And the two silently enjoyed their meal together.

xxxxxxx

Samus lay on her bed, staring up at the ceiling with fingers laced together. Her meal and plate were both long gone, for she had eaten early and brought her plate back to the kitchen. Meta Knight had offered to have a servant take care of the last step, but she respectfully declined. It felt quite satisfying to finish her own busywork, and to not have to involve anyone else in it.

Nobody would want to spar after dinner. The few matches they'd had so far had been early in the day, while some of them still had energy – the princesses, mostly. Falcon took her up on her offer once, but he hadn't lasted more than a couple of rounds. Nobody was up for any other kind of physical exertion, either. Hopefully this would change as they picked up more fighters, otherwise this would be the most boring tournament ever. It'd be nice when the Wii Fit Trainer showed up - she had more stamina than anyone on board the ship right now.

Of course, that wasn't the most important reason they were assembling. They had to fight the big new enemy, or at least that was what Zelda had been saying. But in the meantime, they were still doing nothing, and nothing was something she didn't need to be doing any more of.

_Thud_

The noise was quiet, but Samus picked it up immediately. Something was very gently knocking on her door. She hoped to her feet and moved to answer it immediately. She opened the door, looked around, then looked down and smiled.

Pikachu was standing there, looking up at her and smiling. He held a small bundle in his mouth, something wrapped in leaves.

"Hey there," Samus said. "Got something for me? That's too nice." She picked up the small Pokemon, carrying him inside and kicking the door closed.

She placed the young Pikachu on the bed, taking the parcel from him while idly petting him. Now that his mouth was free, he began to purr affectionately. Samus unwrapped the parcel.

Six Razz berries were contained inside the leafy wrapping. She wasn't sure where he had found them, but she wasn't complaining. "Oh, thank you, child," she said. "I'd been meaning to try these." She put a hand on her full stomach. "How about we split 'em?" She placed the parcel on the bed, sat beside it, and divided the berries with her hand into two groups of three.

"Pika pika!" Pikachu said excitedly. Samus picked up one of her berries, while Pikachu dug into his.

The berry was very sweet and very juicy. The first bite was actually shockingly sweet, but Samus adjusted to it by her second. "It's delicious," she said after finishing the first berry. She looked at Pikachu and chuckled.

The child had messily devoured most of his first two berries by simply lowering his head and biting into them. As a result, his face was caked with a bright pink juice.

Samus grabbed a tissue from her bedside table. "I guess I see why you guys don't like to eat with the rest of them." Pikachu turned his head to allow her to wipe the sticky juices from his face. "Let me give you a hand with that." She picked up his last remaining berry and held it by the stalk. He leaned forward and started eating it, making much less of a mess than he had been. Once he finished it, he walked over to her and nuzzled her affectionately.

She smiled and scratched him on the head. "Ah, you're welcome, buddy," she said. She polished off her second berry, then rewrapped the last and put it in a drawer for later. She laid back down on her bed, and Pikachu hopped onto her lap and curled up onto a ball. "We should've gotten together sooner," she said. "I should've visited before, I don't know why I haven't."

_Yes you do._

She felt guilty for lying, as she knew exactly why she hadn't. But for the time, she simply stroked the child's fur and pretended as if she didn't.

xxxxxxx

Pit sulked in his room, staring at the wall. "I can't believe he'd say those things about us," he muttered. "Who does he think he is?"

He walked over to his dresser and stared into the mirror. "I'm still fine, aren't I?" he asked his reflection. "Still me, I just lost a few pounds, right?" His pale, lined face stared back at him, offering no response.

He turned his back to the mirror. "Whatever," he said. "When we beat this new bad guy, then it'll be fixed, right? Sure it will! Zelda said so, and she's usually right!" He calmed himself with this realization. "Doesn't matter what's going on with me right now, we'll fix it, no problem. Dark Pit's just full of hot air, like always." His body slacked now that his tension was relieved.

_Knock knock_

He jumped. "Be right there," he said, calmly walking over to the door and opening it.

The hall was empty, at least of people. On the floor in front of his door, however, was his dinner plate.

Pit frowned in confusion. He looked left and right, wondering who could've brought him his dish and ran away. He stared at the plate, as if it might offer an answer.

_Must've been Zelda. I'll bet she was worried about me leaving before I finished, but didn't want to embarrass me by talking about it. She's thoughtful like that._

He continued to look at the plate. Every food on there, except for the half-eaten slice of poffin, was food from his home. He had enjoyed them before, he vividly remembered this, and yet, now…

That key lime poffin was pretty good, though.

He reached down to just pick up the poffin slice, then thought about it and took the whole plate, in case she came back to check if he'd taken it.

"Thanks, Princess," he announced to the empty hallway. He didn't know for sure it was Zelda, but using the title let him hedge his bet.

"You're really looking out for me."

xxxxxxx

"So you're sure you're fine?" Rosalina asked.

Palutena sat on her bed, smiling radiantly. "Of course I am," she said. "Can't let one little insult from that troublemaker keep me down, can I?"

"Well, that's good," Rosalina said. "Will you be rejoining us? I believe Dark Pit left right after you did."

"Oh, no, it's fine," Palutena responded. "I had my fill, anyway. It's just about bedtime for me."

"Oh…okay," Rosalina said. "You know, if you change your mind, MK's servants are completely willing to whip something up for you and bring it here."

"I _am_ aware," Palutena responded. Still cordial in her tone, but the subtle emphasis on the second word was firm, with a hint of sharpness.

"Okay," Rosalina said, emphasizing passivity in her own voice. "See you tomorrow."

"See you!" Palutena replied, the challenging tone completely absent from her voice now. She held her broad smile as Rosalina exited the room, then, after a moment, let out a yawn. She hadn't been kidding about being tired, and she lay down in her bed, still in her full dress. It'd only take a snap of her fingers to change into her nightclothes, but as she was already drifting off, she didn't see the point.

_Knock knock_

She groaned softly, then put her wide smile back on. "Be right there," she said in as sweet a voice as possible. The voice just came with the smile, it was easier that way. After a couple of seconds, she pushed herself upright, then swung her legs out and began the walk to the door. She opened the door, still grinning broadly, then looked around.

She looked down and saw her own dinner plate, sitting there right in front of her. She sighed, no longer smiling. Then she turned away, and let the door close on it.

xxxxxxx

Back in the dining hall, everyone had now left. Except for one.

Wario rammed a handful of what had been Dedede's chips into his mouth. Half a dozen plates that their previous users hadn't taken with them surrounded him on the floor, as did a sizeable portion of the tablecloth; he had found it more expedient to pull the cloth towards him than stand up and grab the plates individually. Just outside the door, a handful of MK's servants huddled, frightened, waiting for him to leave so that they could start to repair the damage. But they were far from his mind as he finished the greasy chips, then grabbed the next dish, a tin tray of plum pie.

_His_ favorite.

Wario stopped, the purple pie halfway to his mouth. He regarded it, and the corners of his mouth began to droop.

He snapped out of it quickly. "Ah, who cares," he said. "I'm here, he's not, sucks to be him!" With that, he dug his fingers into the pie, shoveling the filling into his mouth. Yet now, it was impossible to forget that it was only him sitting at the table here, alone.


	11. Chapter 11: The minister's lament

**Chapter eleven**

**The minister's lament**

At the edge of a vast desert, a massive cliff jutted out into the sky. Beyond the cliff, the sea seemed to stretch out forever. The setting sun painted both a deep copper. The tranquility of the location belied the momentous events that had happened there, some years ago, some mere months. One solitary figure stood at the very peak of it, motionless.

Meta Knight knew exactly where to land the Halberd; he'd done so twice before. The group disembarked and climbed up the gradual rise to the cliff. Pit pointed out the landmarks to Palutena as they walked: the icy peak, the spire at the edge of the ruins, and the valley they had all come together at.

R.O.B. stood at the cliff's peak, his head pointed towards the horizon. As the group approached, they noticed the rust and moss caking various parts of his body.

"Seems you were right, Samus," Zelda said. "But how did you know he would be here?"

"It's as close as you can get to there," Samus said, pointing up and into the distance. The location she pointed at was empty, but they all knew what had once been there. "And that's where he lost everything."

R.O.B. didn't react to their approach. As Zelda walked in front of him, she noticed his black, lifeless eyes. "He's deactivated," she noted.

"For some time, too," Samus said, scanning him with her visor. "His internal wiring's a mess, but I'll see what I can do about it." She pulled out a toolkit and got to work. The other fighters gave her space, and milled around or simply enjoyed the view.

Fox walked to the edge of the cliff and looked out across the calm ocean. "So peaceful," he said to Zelda, who was gazing out as well. "It's hard to believe that there's two gods buried under all that water."

"Don't forget the battleship," Ganondorf added. "That thing was the finest vessel I've ever commanded."

"We destroyed it in five minutes," Fox reminded him.

"Gentlemen, please," Zelda said before Ganondorf could respond. "I do see your point, Fox. Looking at things now, it's hard to believe all the things we've been through. We've overcome all the odds, beaten foes far greater than us."

"And now we have peace," Ganondorf said. He scoffed. "God, I hate peace."

To his surprise, neither of the heroes rebuked him.

"What good's a mercenary without strife?" Fox asked. "It's not like saving the world gives you a lot of transferrable skills."

"Not all peace is hollow and unsatisfying," Zelda said. "There have been many peaceable eras where humanity flourished. But…I must admit, it has felt more hollow, of late."

Fox stared down into the water. "It doesn't seem fair, though," he said. "We saved the world – why can't we enjoy it?"

Ganondorf cackled. "We're warriors, boy!" he said, clapping Fox on the shoulder. "Born and raised. A world without fighting is a world we don't belong in."

"I…guess," Fox said, awkwardly squirming out of the big man's grasp, knees buckling. "But aren't we supposed to be fighting _for_ something? If it's peace we're fighting for, why doesn't it feel rewarding?"

"Fighting is its own reward," Ganondorf retorted. "If you were a Gerudo, you'd understand. You fight so you can fight some more later."

"Really," Zelda said, turning away. "Then perhaps, by handing over my kingdom to you, I truly did thwart you."

She walked back towards the group. Ganondorf attempted a smart comeback, but found none. He turned to Fox, but he had fled as soon as Ganondorf's attention was drawn. He grunted in frustration, then trudged back to the other fighters.

Samus seemed to be wrapping up her repairs. "I can't make any promises," she said, "but that ought to do it." She closed up all of R.O.B's panels. "Now I just need a spark." She glanced at Pikachu, who had already hopped up to the robot. "Right here, child," she said, pointing at R.O.B's core. Pikachu placed his paw on it, and a small spark jumped from him to R.O.B. "Good boy," she said," scratching him on the head.

R.O.B.'s eyes flashed on, and his head jerked up. He vibrated as his system rebooted, then ran through his full range of motion in a diagnostic check. Once that was done, he looked around at the crowd that had gathered.

"Hey, buddy," Samus said, standing in front of R.O.B. and looking him in the eyes. "How long have you been standing here?"

R.O.B. regarded her for a moment, then released a series of beeps and whirs that sounded like they could be Morse code, or possibly binary.

"Uh…" Samus said, feeling foolish for asking.

"My, that is a long time indeed," Zelda said, hand to her chin. "You should have contacted one of us."

Samus turned to her. "How did you…" she began, then trailed off as she saw the Triforce of Wisdom glowing brightly on her hand.

The robot had apparently decided he had taken in all the visual information he needed regarding the group, as he now turned his head away from them and angled it upward, looking exactly where Samus had been pointing moments before.

Samus took off her power suit's glove and snapped her fingers in front of R.O.B.'s face. "Hey, enough of that," she said gently. R.O.B. looked at her curiously.

Samus removed her helmet. "I know what you're feeling," she said. "I've felt the exact same thing before. They're gone now, and you can't change that. There's a gaping hole right in the center of you." She clenched her fist. "But you have a responsibility to move on, for their sake. Do you think they would be happy to know that the last of their kind just stood here until the end of time?"

R.O.B. lowered his head in shame, and let out another series of beeps, these lower in pitch.

"Don't say that," Zelda said. "Your life has meaning yet. Come with us, we are embarking on a journey of great purpose."

More beeps, this time questioning in tone.

"The greatest purpose possible," Zelda replied. "The fate of the world – every world."

R.O.B. considered this, then looked down at the water.

"It's not them that threaten us," Zelda clarified, "but a threat of a similar nature. At least, we believe so. So, are you interested?"

He stood motionless for a few seconds, the whir of his processors the only sign of any thought whatsoever. Then, he nodded.

"Splendid," Zelda said, clapping her hands together. "Then let us be off." The group now turned and headed back down the cliff. R.O.B. joined them, deliberately staying as far away from Ganondorf as possible.

Zelda prepared to follow, but she noticed one figure had not moved. Mewtwo was still standing at the cliff, staring down into the copper-tinted water. "Mewtwo?" she said, walking up to him. "Are you okay?"

_"I am deep in thought,"_ he said simply.

"About what?" Zelda asked.

_"That shield you have, I believe you called it Nayru's love,"_ he said. _"It is supposedly impermeable, correct?"_

Zelda looked down at the water, knowing exactly what he was getting at. "Supposedly," she said.

_"When that monster, Galeem, pierced that shield, what did you feel, in the moments before you were obliterated?"_

Trusting that he was going somewhere with this, Zelda answered without hesitation. "Terror. Abject and complete terror."

Mewtwo nodded. _"I felt just the same when my own guard failed me. My body filled with adrenaline, and time seemed to slow as my doom approached. I had never been more fearful in my life."_

Zelda gave no reply, waiting for the follow-up. Mewtwo stared even harder at the ocean.

_"I never thought…I would miss that fear. Long for it, even."_

He fell silent and turned away, moving to catch up with the group. It was a strange thing to say, but Zelda knew exactly what he meant.

xxxxxxx

_AUX CALL_

_Push Select_

"Snake, are you there?"

"What do you want, Colonel?"

"I have some news for you."

"Didn't I tell you I was on vacation?"

"Yes, you and half my team. This isn't an assignment, it's an invitation."

"What, Smash Bros again?"

"Yes. They say there's a new threat they need your help with."

"There's always another threat, isn't there."

"So, will you go or not?"

"I'll consider it. Like you said, it's an invitation, not an assignment. I've turned it down before, and I might do it again."

"If you say so, Snake."

…

…

"Uh…do you know if Samus is in attendance?"


	12. Chapter 12: Fit for battle

**Chapter twelve**

**Fit for battle**

"Now, slide your left foot up your right leg, until your ankle touches the bottom of your left thigh."

Dedede struggled and strained. He grabbed his left foot, trying to pull it higher, but could barely get it past his right knee. He flailed his arms and had to grab onto the wall to keep from toppling over.

"Don't be worried if you can't make it all the way," the Wii Fit Trainer said in her calm, dulcet voice. "If you can feel your muscles stretching, you're doing just fine!"

Well, he certainly could feel that. And he had a suspicion he'd be feeling it for days to come. He glanced at the other occupants of the room, to see how they were doing.

Kirby, despite possessing no knees of any kind, was trying his dededarned hardest. He'd sucked in some air to help lighten himself and stay balanced. Samus, of course, performed the move flawlessly, her left leg folded perfectly and her hands together above her head. She said she took these courses to stay limber, but she was already the most flexible person in the galaxy. He suspected she was only here because she liked WFT. And then there was…

WFT sighed. "Wario," she said, trying to keep a level tone. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Wario was standing in the middle of the room, not even trying the pose. "You said to do a tree pose," he said. "Trees don't move."

WFT breathed deeply through her nose. "All right," she said, not pressing the matter. "Everyone, return to your starting position."

Dedede lowered his leg with a sigh of relief.

The trainer straightened herself. "If that pose was a little too much for you, this one should be much simpler. It's called the Downward Facing Dog."

Wario let out a cackle. "Hee hee. Doggie style."

WFT ignored him. "To start, lie facedown on the floor."

Wario happily did that, at least.

"Next, push yourself onto your hands and knees."

Everyone did so, except for Kirby, for obvious reasons.

"Now, straighten your upper body and lower body, and turn yourself into a triangle."

She straightened her body, sending her posterior upward. When she reached the peak, Wario blew a raspberry. He then spent the next few seconds giggling. "Haha. Oopsie."

WFT closed her eyes and breathed through her nose for a few seconds. Then, she spoke up. "Okay, let's do some deep breathing now. Return to a standing position."

They all stood up, and for the third time that day, they did the deep breathing exercise. Each subsequent time she had done it, her own breathing was faster, particularly while looking at Wario. Eventually, she managed to simmer down, and opened her eyes.

"All right. For this next pose, everyone reach down and touch your toes," she said.

Three of her four students did so.

Wario cackled. "Yeah, fat chance, sister. I can't even _see_ my toes!"

WFT's nostrils flared. She stood still, staring at Wario. She was still smiling, but every other part of her face indicated the opposite emotion. It seemed like that smile was harder for her to hold than any pose she had performed.

She walked over to Wario, who was blissfully unaware of what was heading his way. "Stick out your left foot, please," she said calmly.

"Huh?" Wario said. "Whuzzat?"

"I would like you to raise your left foot," she repeated. She didn't speak any louder, but she enunciated each syllable very clearly, in a way that made every other person in the room quiver.

Wario, it seemed, finally figured out the danger. "Okay, sheesh," he said. He lifted his left foot maybe 20 degrees. "So you gonna try to make me do the stupid tree th-"

In one quick, fluid motion, Wii Fit Trainer reached down, grabbed onto Wario's ankle, and yanked upwards.

Wario's sentence turned into a shriek as his leg was lifted to a full 90 degrees. He started to tip backwards, but she grabbed onto his neck with her other hand, holding him in place.

"Ahh!" he screamed, flailing his arms around. "What the fuck are you doing, you crazy bitch? I-"

"Can you see them?" she asked calmly.

"W-wha?" he gasped.

"Your toes. You said you couldn't see them before. Can you see them now?" Her face was deathly tranquil.

"What are you talking about?" he sputtered. "Let go, or I'll skin you ali-"

She lifted harder. His leg ratcheted up another five degrees.

"AUGH! Yes! Yes, I can see them!" he screamed.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes! I'm sure, I'm-Aiee!"

"You're not looking at them," she said.

Wario pointed his head at his toes. "I'm looking! I'm looking!" he gasped, tears in his eyes.

"Do you think you'll need to check again later?"

"No, I'm good! I promise!"

She smiled. "Great," she said, letting go of him. He fell backwards, landing on the mat hard. He clutched his leg and whimpered in pain, but didn't say another word.

Wii Fit trainer closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. "Okay," she said, walking back to the front of the room. She looked at her remaining students, who all had their mouths agape. "Well then," she said. "Since some of us are already on the floor, let's do the jackknife next."

They all obeyed her instantly, without question. Even Wario attempted to go along with the exercise, futilely reaching his arms and legs up in time with the others. He never spoke again for the entire session, but he did look over to Dedede with teary eyes, perhaps thinking he would be the most likely to show sympathy.

Dedede shrugged. "I've had worse," he muttered.

xxxxxxx

"And that just about does it for today," the trainer said. "Great work, everyone!"

Everyone relaxed from their sun salutations, even Wario. In the fifteen minutes since his leg raise, he hadn't interrupted her once, instead performing his own pathetic versions of each pose in turn. Everyone else had also kept completely silent.

"See you next session, everyone," WFT said. "Be sure to drink plenty of water!"

The students filed out of the room, Wario in the lead. The trainer turned around and grabbed her towel. When she heard the door close, she sighed deeply and rubbed her temples.

"Hey there."

She jumped. Turning around, she realized that Samus was still in the room.

"Oh, Samus," she said. "I thought you had left already. I need to clean up here, but I'll catch up with you at the showers, okay?"

Samus shook her head. "You think I'm gonna leave without asking you what happened?" she asked wryly.

"Happened? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," she said. Under the withering, eyebrow-raised gaze of Samus, she caved almost instantly. "Oh, you mean with Wario. He, uh, seemed a little stiff, and I thought he could use…" The normally composed trainer stumbled now, as she always seemed to around the towering figure that was Samus – even without heels, Samus was almost a head taller than her.

Samus gently put her hand on her shoulder, smiling knowingly. "Come on, hon," she said gently. "You know you can't lie to me."

She blushed at Samus's touch, despite its familiarity, or perhaps because of it. "Okay, you're right," the smaller woman said. "I lost my cool. I was unprepared for his antics, and I don't think it'll happen again."

"Why even bother with him?" Samus asked. "You had to force him to come in the first place. Just tell him not to come back for the next session, it's as simple as that. Nobody would blame you for wanting to see less of him."

"But he's the one who needs it the most," the trainer protested. "You've seen him – his health has taken a turn for the worse since he was last here."

"More than you know," Dr. Mario said.

Samus did a double take. "What are you doing here, doc?" she asked.

"This young lady asked for the results from Wario's last checkup," the doctor said, talking a sheet of paper from his clipboard and handing it to the trainer. "I'm glad you did – they are alarming, to say the least."

The trainer looked at his blood pressure, and blanched even more than usual. "200/120?" she said in disbelief.

"That can't possibly be right," Samus said, looking at the paper. "Are you sure these results are for him, and not…a glazed ham?"

"Sadly, there is no mistake," the doctor said. "He is suffering from stage 4 hypertension. If he doesn't make drastic changes to his lifestyle soon, I anticipate severe heart problems, possibly even fatal ones."

"So it's settled," WFT said grimly. "He has to take these sessions."

"That is one possible course of action," the doctor said. "There are others. The most obvious, I would say, is to involve him in more battles. They should provide a good cardiovascular exercise."

"Well, they _should_," Samus said. "But the one fight we've managed to get him in, he didn't seem too involved."

Dr. Mario hadn't been present for that fight, but he quickly surmised the issue. "The motorcycle?" he guessed.

Samus nodded. "He never got off the damn thing," she said. "He's used it before, but not that much."

The doctor stroked his chin. "Well, that is an obstacle," he said. "I'm not sure how to get around that."

"Isn't it obvious?" came a voice from the hallway. Bowser Jr. walked into the room, surprising all three of them.

"What are you doing here?" WFT asked him.

"Were you spying on our session again, you little pervert?" Samus demanded.

"No," Bowser Jr. said defiantly. "I just happened to be walking by and overheard you."

Samus glared at him witheringly.

"And…I might have been next to a window," he conceded. "And…maybe I watched, for a bit- look, it doesn't matter, okay? You've got a problem, and I've got a solution!"

Samus folded her arms. "All right, let's hear it," she said.

"Look, the problem is that he rides on his bike all the time, right?" They all nodded. "So let's just get rid of the bike!"

"We can't," Samus said. "The Hands say it's allowed. If we ban the bike, we have to ban your clown car."

"I'm not talking about banning it," Junior said. "I'm talking about breaking it!"

"You mean sabotage?" WFT said. "I couldn't be a part of that. I refuse to fight dirty."

"Oy, you heroes and your ethics," Junior groaned. "Come on, it's Wario! How could you possibly get dirtier than that?"

"Two wrongs don't make a right, young man," the doctor said.

"But this _is_ the right thing to do, if you think about it," Junior insisted. "We'd be saving his life! You said he'll die if he doesn't get off his fat ass, right?"

"Well, that is a drastic oversimplification of the situation…" he said.

"It's up to Wario to make those decisions for himself," the trainer said. "It's his body, he chooses what to do with it."

Junior folded his arms, the spitting image of his father. "Fine," he said. "Then I'll just choose to use _my_ body to fix this!" He walked away.

They all watched him walk away. Then WFT spoke up. "I should go warn Wario," she said. "If only to make up for what I did this session."

She moved to leave, but Samus put a hand on her arm. Her grip was light, but she still melted under it.

"Listen, honey," Samus said softly. "I respect your principles, I really do. But let's just let villains be villains this time, okay?"

xxxxxxx

_RRRRRRRRRRRRR_

Wario's bike thundered down the hallways of the Halberd. He reclined behind the handlebars, cackling madly. He drifted left at a slight turn, then leveled out, all without braking even once.

For some reason, the Halberd's halls were perfect for riding in. Nice and straight, not too narrow, a ramp or two here and there, and plenty of pedestrians to freak out. Just now, he saw a group of Meta Knight's servants and barreled right towards them. They screamed, running for cover and dropping their towels everywhere, which he then drove over and painted with black skid marks.

"Watch it, bozos!" he shouted behind him. "Can't you see I'm driving here?" He sped away, laughing into the wind. This was exactly what he needed to unwind from that yoga session. Who did she think she was, anyway?

"Heh, I gotta hand it to you, doc, I'm glad I took your advice," he said. "When you told me to get out of my room and move around more, I didn't think I'd enjoy it. But this is great!"

Up ahead of him, the hallway split, with paths going off to the right and left, and a full-length window in front of him. He racked his brain trying to remember what was where.

_Hmm, left was residence, I think, and right was storage. I think MK's got some kinda lobster tank down there? That might be fun to mess around with._

He pulled on the brakes, intending to slow down. He didn't.

"Waa?" he said. He squeezed the brakes again, but the bike kept going at the same speed. The window in front of him was getting nearer.

"Stop! Stop!" he shouted, frantically pulling at the brakes, but still nothing happened. "Brakes! Brakes!" The window was really close, maybe only ten feet away.

"Agh!" Finally, he jumped off the bike and rolled as he hit the ground. His bike kept going, crashing straight through the window. He got to his feet just in time to see the bike shoot out into the sky, then start to tumble. "No!"

Through the adjacent window, he stared, open-mouthed, as his beloved bike spun end over end through the sky, falling down to the planet below. His jaw dropped as far as it could, which was very far indeed.

Some time later, Bowser Jr. strolled up. "Hey, Wario," he said casually. "What's up?"

"What's up?" Wario repeated, incredulous. He looked at Junior, then at the window, unable to form a coherent thought.

Junior glanced at the window. "Ooh, what happened there?" he asked.

"M-my…my bike…" he mumbled, gesturing at the window. "Brakes…window…bike…"

Junior peered out the window. "Huh," he said. "Yeah, I guess that kinda sucks." He looked at Wario. "Hey, wanna fight?"

Wario looked at him. "Wha?" he said.

"You, me, fight. We haven't fought in a while, right?" Junior said.

"No, I don't wanna fight!" Wario replied indignantly. "What's the matter with you? I just lost my bike!"

"All right," Junior said. "In that case, I'll just beat you up, and you don't have to fight back, okay?"

Before Wario could respond, Junior's clown car sprouted a pair of boxing gloves, and he started pummeling him.

"Ow-hey-what-stop-" were the only noises the fat man managed to let out between blows. Finally, he took a step back, wound up a left hook, and smacked the clown car. "Beat it!" he shouted.

Junior flew back a couple feet, but rebounded quickly. "All right, looks like we're fighting!" he said, running forward.

"Gah…fine!" Wario shouted.

As Junior closed the distance, Wario tried to remember all of his moves and combos that didn't involve his bike. His left leg was still hurting from the yoga session and the crash, and he was already gasping for breath.

He put a hand to his head. "Mama Mia," he muttered.


	13. Chapter 13: Left in the dust

**Chapter thirteen**

**Left in the dust**

The sounds of destruction filled Station Square. Two giant robotic arms smashed into buildings, picked up cars and threw them, and ripped signposts out of the ground. Hovering above the destruction, Eggman sat in his floating cockpit.

"Bahahahaha!" he cackled. "Oh, it feels so good to be bad!"

He paused his destructive rampage for a moment to listen for the sounds of people screaming. He heard none. He leaned our of his cockpit and looked around. The street was barren and deserted.

"All hiding, eh?" he said. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" He spotted a bus, and picked it up and shook it, waiting for people to fall out of it. None did. The bus, like all the cars, was completely empty.

"Uh…in the buildings, then!" he said. He hovered over to the nearest skyscraper and punched in the double doors. "Hello, receptionist?" he said, floating his cockpit in. "Can you inform your boss that his 10:30 appointment with certain death has arrived?" But the lounge, too, was empty.

"Oh, come on!" he shouted in frustration. He flew back out into the street, looking around for someone to menace. "Hello? Anyone?" He smashed a car as loudly as he could. "Why isn't there anyone fleeing in terror?"

"You want just one reason?" came a voice from behind.

Eggman spun around. Sonic and Tails were now standing in the otherwise deserted street.

"Ah, there you are, Sonic!" he shouted. "And here I thought I would have to start my evil plan without you!"

"You call this a plan?" Sonic retorted. "Seems like you're just smashing up stuff because you're bored."

"That's not true!" Eggman declared. "The mayor of this city holds a Chaos Emerald, and once I cause enough damage, I'll-" He paused, noticing a small stain on Sonic's chest. "What is that?"

"Huh? Oh, that," Sonic said, brushing the little glob of chili off his fur. "We had a little snack before coming to fight you."

"What?" Eggman said, insulted. "How could you – uh, I mean, how callous of you! Some hero you are, allowing me to carry on raining death and destruction on this helpless city!"

"Destruction, maybe," Sonic said. "But death?" He looked around at the empty streets.

Eggman refused to concede the point. "Well, maybe I killed them all before you showed up!"

"Not likely," replied Sonic. "Or didn't you realize that you're attacking the office district on a Saturday?"

There were a few seconds of silence while Eggman absorbed this fact. Then he began to mumble. "Well, I was inside for so long, I kind of lost track of - i-it shouldn't matter! There should still be people on the streets around here!"

"There should be," Tails agreed, "but there aren't. It's been pretty empty around here for a while."

"Some genius you are, not to notice that," Sonic chimed in.

Eggman, attempting to recover from his embarrassment, slammed his fist down on his console. "Doesn't matter!" he shouted. "All that means is you two will be my first casualties, and I wouldn't want it any other way!" His mechanical arms assumed a fighting stance in front of him. "Prepare, fools, to be crushed by the Death Egg Beater!"

Sonic raised an eyebrow. "Really? A pun? I thought you were above those, Eggman."

"Pun? What are you…" Eggman trailed off for a moment as he thought about it. "Oh, god damnit, it is a pun," he muttered. "Fine! I'll have plenty of time to rename it once I beat you to a pulp!" He lifted the machine's arms up and slammed them into the ground.

"All right, let's get this over with," Sonic said. He effortlessly sidestepped one of the fists, now standing between them. Then he chained a series of homing attacks diagonally up two rows of giant bolts on the outstretched arms, before finally slamming into the cockpit and ricocheting away.

_CLANG_

"Agh!" Eggman cried, lifting his arms back up.

"All right, Eggman," Sonic said. "I've proven I can beat your robot. You gonna make me do it eight more times, or will you do us both a favor and give up?"

"Never!" screeched Eggman. "There are no rings on this street. That means you only need to slip up twice before victory is mine!"

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Oh, of course. So you think I'll make two mistakes before you make eight more?"

"It could happen," Eggman said defensively.

Sonic said nothing, smirking.

"I have beaten you before, Sonic!" Eggman insisted, a little desperately. "It is possible!"

"Yeah, okay," Sonic said. "I tried, Tails. Now let's try out that new device of yours."

"Sure thing, Sonic!" Tails hovered over to him, then handed him a bungee cord.

Eggman scratched his head. "What's that supposed to do?"

"It's based around Sonic's attack patterns," Tails said as Sonic tied one end around his leg. "It'll help him take you down in record time!"

"Attack me again, and I'll show you how," Sonic said.

"F-fine, I will!" Eggman sputtered. He swiped across the ground with each of his arms once, which Sonic easily jumped over. Then he slammed both arms into the ground again, which Sonic again dodged.

This time, when Sonic reached the cockpit, instead of immediately smashing into it, he tied the other end of the cord to a bulkhead on the Beater. Then he attacked it.

_CLANG_

As he flew away, the cord tightened, slingshotting him back into the cockpit instantly.

_CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG_

After headbutting the cockpit seven more times, the bulkhead he'd tied himself to snapped off, and he landed on the ground. Eggman's cockpit was heavily damaged, and his entire robot started sparking and malfunctioning.

"How's that for speed?" Sonic taunted as the Egg Beater began to explode, fully destroyed.

Eggman was launched from the machine by an explosion, sending him sailing off into the distance. "I HATE YOUUUUUUU!" he screeched as he blasted out of sight.

"What was that?" Sonic called, putting a hand to his ear. "Did you say, 'Let's do this again sometime'? I agree! Next month, same time, same place? Okay, see you then!"

"Great job, Sonic!" Tails cheered. "You did it!"

"With your help, buddy," Sonic said, giving him a high five. "That idea of yours worked like a charm!"

Tails beamed. "Thanks, Sonic!" he said enthusiastically. "So, what now?"

"Well…" Sonic scratched his head. "I feel like I was about to do something, before Eggman showed up, but…I guess I forgot." He chuckled. "You'd think it'd be easy for me to jog my memory, huh?"

"Well, that's okay," Tails said. "How about we go to the amusement park in the meantime? I've got two tickets I haven't used yet."

"Nah," Sonic said. "I've been there so many times, it's just boring now. No thrill left in the thrill rides." He shrugged. "Oh well. Maybe I'll do another lap around the big loop. I'll definitely think of it somewhere along that path."

"The big loop?" Tails said. "You mean…the entire planet?"

Sonic nodded. "Biggest loop there is."

"But the last time you did that, you were gone for three weeks," Tails protested. His tails began to droop.

"I can get it down to two and a half, I swear!" Sonic said, oblivious to his buddy's sadness. "I lost a lot of time in Spagonia. Smashed right into a bunch of walls!"

"But Sonic," Tails said, "why do that when you could spend more time with your best friend instead?" As soon as he said it, he realized how clingy it sounded. "I mean…whoever that best friend might be, of course. I know you've got a lot of them, maybe it's Knuckles, he's always…" He trailed off.

Sonic didn't seem to have heard him, as he was deep in thought. "Smashed…smashed…smash- oh yeah, that's what I was thinking about!" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope. "Look what I got!" he said, tossing it to Tails. "Priority mailed, of course."

"Smash?" Tails said, recognizing the wax seal. "I still haven't gotten one of those…" He opened the letter and read quickly. "Cordially invited…request your urgent assistance…malaise blanketing galaxy…" He looked up. "So this means you're leaving anyway," he said sadly.

"Believe me, I wish I wasn't," Sonic said. "They're a real bunch of weirdos over there. I envy you for not having to go, honestly."

"But you don't_ have_ to go, right?" Tails asked, hoping his voice didn't sound too pleading. "It's just an invitation."

"Well, yeah, but they _need_ me," Sonic said. "Remember that one time I told you about, where they all almost died and I saved them all? They're helpless without me. With great power, and all that stuff."

"Yeah, I guess," Tails sighed. He perked up. "Hey, so I guess you'll need a ride there, right? I could fly you there, just give me a few seconds to grab the Tornado."

"Don't worry about it, buddy," Sonic said. "I got this one." He fished a ring out of his pocket, held it up, and threw it in front of him. It quickly grew in size until it was large enough to walk through, and through it they could see the deck of the Halberd.

"Whoa!" Tails shouted, taken aback. "Since when could you do that?"

"Since always," Sonic said. He raised an eyebrow. "Where have you been?"

He hopped through the ring and landed on the deck. "See you later, Tails!" he called through the portal. "I'll bring you back a souvenir!"

"Sonic, wait!" Tails called, reaching a hand out.

"Sonic quickly turned around. "What is it, buddy?" he asked.

Tails said nothing for a few seconds, trying to work up the nerve to ask him to stay. He failed.

"…Have fun, Sonic," he said, waving.

Sonic gave him a thumbs up as the portal started to fade. "I will, don't you worry. You have fun too!"

As Sonic and his grin faded away, Tails's smile did the same. "I'll try," he said. He slowly trudged away, making his way out of the city, alone.

xxxxxxx

Dedede sat, hunched over his workbench. He held a screwdriver in one hand and one of his badges in the other. Under the spotlight of his lamp, he worked, tinkering and tweaking the badge.

"Here we go," he said, tightening in the final resistor. He closed the badge's back and locked it. "That oughta do it." He pinned the badge to his robe, then activated it.

He waited fifteen seconds for the effects to kick in. He felt nothing.

With a sigh, he plucked the badge off of his chest. He held it in his hand, looking at it, then at the growing pile of reject badges sitting on his bench. He started to grow angry, and clenched his fist around the badge.

"Damn it!" he shouted, slamming the badge down on the workbench. He swiped his arm across the bench, launching all the failed badges off the bench and into the hall.

Meta Knight, who had just been walking past his door, jumped back to dodge the small metal projectiles. He brushed some dust off his cape, then entered Dedede's room, where the king was hunched over his bench, head in his hands. "I sense something troubles you, sire," he said.

"Damn right, something's troubling me!" Dedede shouted, picking up one remaining badge that hadn't been launched. "These stupid badges ain't doing what I'm telling 'em to do! I've been workin' on this since we set off, and they haven't made me so much as chuckle! It's depressin' me, how much they ain't un-depressin' me!" He chucked the badge over Meta Knight's head.

Meta Knight reached up and caught the badge out of the air. "Sire, these badges…I can't praise them highly enough. They're a marvel of engineering, and they saved all of our lives when we needed them the most. Everyone in the galaxy owes their lives to them. But there are certain things they will never be able to do. You can't defeat depression with a badge, of that I am confident."

"And why can't I?" Dedede retorted. "Just because I ain't never met no Sarah Tonin or that dopey mean guy the doc keeps tellin' me about?"

"If it were as simple as triggering a certain chemical in your brain, we wouldn't be here to begin with," Meta Knight said. "There are many, many factors that contribute to it, and even if you could determine the root cause of _your_ depression, it varies from person to person. There is no one cure that fits all, each person must find their own."

"If there's one cause, there should be one cure," Dedede replied. "Zelda said there's some great big monster suckin' the fun out of everything."

Meta Knight paused. "I would not treat that as the gospel truth, sire."

Dedede raised an eyebrow. "You sayin' she's wrong? You seemed to buy into it before."

"Zelda is a smart woman, but so far her claim is largely unsubstantiated," Meta Knight said. "We all accepted her claim because we had no other, more believable explanation, but even she seemed less than certain at the time. We have yet to find any evidence to support her theory of a cosmic monstrosity draining our energy, and while this galaxy-spanning malaise does seem unnatural, there are certainly other possible explanations."

Dedede frowned down at the diminutive knight. "Are you sayin'…"

"I am saying nothing definitively," Meta Knight said. "We have yet to disprove her theory, and it remains our best. I have no intention of sharing my doubts with the other fighters, as it could only heighten our shared malcontent. But for one such as yourself, who is actively searching for a solution, I felt you shouldn't pigeonhole yourself inside a false conclusion."

"Uh…thanks, I guess," Dedede said, scratching his head.

"You are doing good work here, sire," Meta Knight said, walking to the door. "I would be happy to be proven wrong in my claim that a badge will not solve our problem. Good luck, your highness." He exited, closing the door behind him.

"All right, then," he said, looking at his large box of electrical parts. He pulled his blueprints off the workbench, then grabbed several new sheets of paper and laid them down instead. "Back to the freaking drawing board again."


	14. Chapter 14: The five and the one

**Chapter fourteen**

**The five and the one**

Pit's room was shrouded in darkness, which he was grateful for.

Back on Skyloft, every hour of the day was interminably bright, their elevation guaranteeing no cloud cover and very late sunsets. Even laying under the covers and turning off the lights, as he was doing now, still allowed some light through. The Halberd, by contrast, was much darker, especially as they travelled through space to their next planet. The porthole in his room didn't have any blinds, but that was all right when the only light shining through was from distant stars.

He had abandoned the chair some time ago after sitting there for too long had caused him to become sore. The doctor had warned him that the same thing would happen if he stayed in the bed for too long, so he shifted his position every couple of hours. Right now, he was lying on his chest, his 3DS on the bed in front of him. His bracelets were discarded for comfort – his arms were too thin for them now, anyway. He was fairly confident he wouldn't be interrupted for some time – instead of three times a day, he had convinced MK's servants to only bring him food when he asked for it. That wouldn't be for the rest of the day – although what's even a day in space?

It was liberating, in a way – he just slept when he wanted to, unmoored from any social obligations or environmental cues. There wasn't much to do as they traveled from planet to planet, but sleeping was as good a method as any to kill time. It wasn't too different from what he'd been doing at home; he just had more of an excuse now.

He wasn't having fun, strictly speaking; the game he was currently playing was one he had beaten twice already. But he surely wasn't suffering, either, and that was fine by him. That was how most humans lived their lives anyway – neither in pain nor euphoria. Once they beat the whatever monster, things would go back to how they were before anyway, so what did these few wasted months matter?

_Knock knock_

Pit frowned. Now who could that be? "Coming," he said, noting the scratchiness of his voice and taking a drink from his bathroom sink before heading to the door. He opened it and looked around, then down.

"Poyo!"

"Oh hey, Kirby. How's it going?" he asked, putting his hands on his knees as he bent down. He had gotten into the habit of smiling whenever he opened the door – it cut down on the worried looks.

"Poyopoyo poyo!" Kirby responded.

Pit scratched his head. "Um…do you want a fight?" he guessed.

Kirby shook his head. "Poyo."

"Okay, not that. Uh…" Pit struggled to think of what he might be trying to say. With proper context, it was usually easy enough to make an educated guess, but there was no context of any kind here.

Kirby leapt up and grabbed his hand. "Poyo!" he said insistently.

"Oh, you want to show me something?" Pit said. "I'm kinda tired right now, can it wait until…" Again he struggled, this time to think of a future time where he might be more willing.

"Poyo!" said Kirby again, starting to drag him.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," he said. He glanced back at his room wistfully as Kirby dragged him away.

xxxxxxx

He panicked for a moment when they opened a door and reached the deck of the ship. With the open air exposed to space, it took a moment for him to remember the ship's artificial gravity and oxygen systems worked out here as well. That said, it was poorly lit, with only a few dim lights illuminating the deck. Through the gloom, he could just make out three other figures in front of them.

"Oh, hey guys," he said, shoulders drooping. "We doing this again?"

The four of them had been trying to get him out of his room repeatedly – this would be the fourth time – to do some kind of fight. It was absolutely good to see them again, but with each attempt he'd grown more exasperated. It was especially frustrating when one of them, usually Kirby, tried to get him to eat something.

"What's the scheme this time?" he asked wearily. "You guys gonna…"

He trailed off. As his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he registered what they were all doing.

Yoshi was sitting, and Mario and Link were lying on their backs. All of them were looking up into the sky. Pit looked up and saw nothing but the starry sky. Then it hit him.

"Oh, you're stargazing?" he said. The others nodded. "A bit low-key for you guys, isn't it?"

None of them responded, which was to be expected.

"I guess we could look for constellations," he said. He craned his neck upward. "Like there's…uh…" He looked around, searching for the familiar star formations, finding none of them. "Oh yeah, we're in space. Guess we wouldn't see the regular ones, anyway."

Kirby ran up to him, carrying a sheet of paper and shouting excitedly. "Poyopoyo!"

"What's that?" Pit asked, taking it in hand. It appeared to be a connect-the-dots puzzle, with a group of dots connected into the shape of a stick figure. He didn't quite understand it, until Mario got up and grabbed his arm, angling it until the dots lined up with a couple of especially brought stars.

"Oh, you're making your own constellations?" he said. Mario and Kirby nodded. "That's kinda cool. What do you call this one?"

Mario and Kirby looked at each other, then shrugged. It made sense; the figure wasn't proportional to anyone from either of their homes. In fact, the stance kind of reminded him of…

"What about Magnus?" he offered.

The two of them pondered for a moment, then nodded. Kirby took the paper back from him, scribbling what Pit assumed must be the name next to the constellation. Meanwhile, Link, still lying on the deck, nudged Pit's leg and motioned for him to lie down. Once he did, Link pointed at a star, then drew a semicircle with his finger, connecting five stars in an arc.

"Hey, that looks like a bow!" Pit said. "What was that one of yours called? The Bow of Light?" Link nodded. "That's neat! Hey, Kirby, write that one down!" Kirby obliged, while Pit started looking at the stars himself. "Hey, Mario!" he said, pointing straight out in front of him at a cluster of stars. "If you ignore that little one, doesn't that kind of look like a mushroom?" Mario squinted, then nodded. "Put it on there!"

Kirby scribbled hastily. Pit resumed his scan of the sky, occasionally calling out a new constellation. Mario and Link looked at each other, then exchanged a conspiratorial grin.

xxxxxxx

Above and beyond the deck, near the main cannon, a dark figure watched them from the shadows. He glowered down, burning with hatred and jealousy as the five of them enjoyed their utterly mundane activity. He couldn't hear them from here, but the sight of Pit was enough to boil his blood. Without taking his eyes off the group, he began to undo his sleeve.

"Oh, is this spot taken?"

Jumping at the voice, Dark Pit hastily retied his maroon sleeve. He spun around to see Bayonetta sauntering out of the gloom, holding a bottle inside a paper bag.

"What are you doing here?" Dark asked.

"I could ask the same of you," Bayonetta replied, swaying slightly. "How about we both lie and say we're just bored?"

Dark rolled his eyes. "Never mind, I don't care," he said. "And I am bored. Everyone's fucking bored."

"Come now," Bayonetta said with a raised eyebrow. "You seem like the type to _cut_ through the nonsense."

Dark Pit was about to ask what she meant by that, until he realized that he'd already drawn one of his blades reflexively, before she'd even approached. "Maybe so," he muttered, plucking at his sleeve. "I hear it's _fashionable_."

"Well, forgive me for not assuming the absolute worst the moment we met," Bayonetta retorted.

Dark Pit stared at her paper bag. "There are worse things."

Bayonetta scoffed. "Everyone drinks, child. Absolutely everyone."

"You drink more than all of the others combined," Dark retorted.

"And you seem to hate yourself more than you've made everyone else hate you," Bayonetta fired back.

Dark Pit held up his blade and looked at his own reflection, then down at Pit far below. "Can you blame me?" he asked bitterly. "I'm a copy of him. And I _hate_ him. How do you think that makes me feel about myself? To know that I owe my existence to the one guy I hate the most? To look in the mirror every day and see-"

"Oh, fuck off with that emo bullshit!" Bayonetta snapped.

Dark Pit blinked, stopped cold. Bayonetta pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Bugger me, this is why I hate dealing with children!" she murmured. She punctuated her sentence with a sip from her bottle.

Dark Pit clenched his fist. "I told you, old lady, I'm not a-"

"Yes, yes, of course," said Bayonetta, taking an even longer sip. "How old are you, then?"

Dark Pit looked away. "It's not important," he muttered, ears burning.

She snorted.

"Look, lady, if you just came here to insult me, I don't have to take that," Dark said, putting his hand on his other blade.

"I'm not here to insult you, boy. Didn't you hear me?" She knelt down rather unsteadily. "I'd like to make a deal with you."

Dark Pit raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" he said.

"I can see what you're trying to do with Pit and Pal, and I'd like to help you," the witch said.

"How so?" Dark asked. "You wanna hold Pit-stain down while I beat the stupid out of him?"

"Come now, be serious," Bayonetta said. "You've seen what's wrong with them."

Dark Pit folded his arms. "Course I have. Everyone has. They're such gigantic dumbshits that they've forgotten they need to eat. That's not my problem."

"Don't play dumb, boy. You've made it your problem."

"You're delusional," he spat at her. "Why should I care if my enemies decide to starve themselves?"

"I don't know," Bayonetta said. "Why should two plates that you carried out of the dining hall end up in front of their doors?"

Dark Pit froze. His face turned red, and a hundred new denials died in his throat. "What, did you see that out the bottom of your wine glass?" he muttered.

"It's quite commendable, actually," Bayonetta said, looking satisfied with herself. "By my count, you're 1 for 3 with your efforts, and that's better than anyone else on this bloody ship."

"Okay, okay, I get it! What's your stupid deal you wanna make?" Dark Pit muttered.

"Simple," Bayonetta replied. "Leave Pal to me."

"Huh?" Dark said.

"You can't get through to her, she's too stubborn," Bayonetta said. "Not you, not Pit, not all the princesses in the world. But I think I can."

Dark Pit smirked. "Pretty arrogant, thinking you can change a god's mind. I think they call that hubris."

Bayonetta grinned right back. "Hubris, dear boy, is the greatest tool in my arsenal."

"All right, it's a deal," Dark Pit said. "You go ahead and try to get through to your girlfriend."

Bayonetta snorted. "Really, boy? That's how you're going to be about it?"

The boy nodded.

"Very well, then. In that case, I'll leave your brother to you."

Dark Pit was taken aback. As Bayonetta turned to leave, he tried to turn his confusion into anger. "Hang on, lady, you got the wrong-"

"Best of luck, boy!"

With a wave of her hand, she disappeared into the gloom, leaving only the faint scent of whiskey behind.


	15. Chapter 15: No more gods to kill

**Chapter fifteen**

**No more gods to kill**

_Persona 5 and Xenoblade spoilers ahead_

Café Leblanc was empty. Well, in a sense.

Ryuji sprawled out in the booth – as much as he could while stuck between Makoto and the wall, anyway. "Any new requests?"

"Several," Makoto said, scrolling through the Phan-site on her phone. "It's all the same as usual. Help my boss, he's depressed – help my husband, he's depressed – help me, I'm depressed – the same thing people have been saying for months now."

"And we're sure we can't help with that?" Ryuji asked for maybe the seventh time. "Steal away their depression?"

Morgana sighed. "Oh my god, Ryuji, that is literally the opposite of how this works," he said exasperatedly.

"I know, I know," he said. "It just feels like we should be able to do something, right?"

"If anything, we should have already solved the problem," Yusuke said. "Our destruction of Mementos should have been the end of the public's apathy."

"It was for a while," Ann pointed out. "Then it all came back – worse, even."

"It's not even as simple as that," Makoto said. "This malaise feels different than it did before."

Ryuji looked up. "Wait, what?" he said. "I must've missed something – now we're talking about countries?"

Makoto groaned. "I said malaise, not Malaysia!" she said.

Futaba poked her head up. "I'm kind of impressed that he knew Malaysia was a country," she said.

"In terms of paying attention, this appears to be a high-water mark for him," Yusuke agreed.

"Oh, ha-ha, real funny," Ryuji said. "You're all a bunch of jokers, aren't you?"

Joker looked up.

"Uh, no offense, buddy," Ryuji said.

Makoto put down her phone and sighed. "I do see where you're coming from," she said to Ryuji. "I feel so powerless, seeing all these people asking for help and not being able to do anything about it."

"It doesn't seem fair, does it?" Haru said sadly.

"Damn right, it's not fair," Ryuji said vehemently. "We killed god, didn't we? Why can't we do anything about this now?"

"Unless there is some god of depression, I don't see how that follows," Yusuke said.

"Oizys," Futaba said.

Ryuji turned his head. "Huh?"

"The Greek goddess Oizys, daughter of Nyx," Futaba explained. "She was the goddess of depression, fear, and anxiety."

"Well shit, we shoulda paid her a visit a long time ago, huh?" Ryuji said.

"Don't be silly, you two," Ann said. "Greek gods don't exist."

Everyone looked at her strangely.

"…Probably," she qualified after a moment.

"Well, in any case," Makoto said after a brief silence, "there's no point worrying about what we can't fix. We should focus on what we can. Your math exam at the end of the month will likely rely heavily on binomial theorem. Does everybody feel prepared for that?"

Everyone expressed their opinions, ranging on a spectrum from "probably" to "not really". Ryuji merely scratched his head. "Bi…what?"

"It's been in your curriculum for the last two weeks, I believe," Makoto said. "How much do you recall about it?"

Ryuji scratched his head. "There was an A, and a B somewhere. And maybe…N? There's always an N."

Her stare hardened into a glare. "You don't remember any of it," she said flatly. It wasn't a question.

"Not at all," Ryuji admitted.

Makoto pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ryuji, I swear…"

"Well, give up on me, then," he said angrily. Everyone else looked up, his harsh tone taking them by surprise. "Even if I do learn this stuff, I'm not gonna use it. I'll probably end up with some shitty job delivering takeout or something after high school, whether I graduate or not."

"Ryuji!" Ann said, shocked.

"Ugh, sorry," he said. "I'm frustrated, you know? The one thing I've ever been good at is bein' a Phantom Thief, and now I can't even do that."

Joker put a hand on his shoulder. "You're a good friend," he said.

"Yeah, yeah," Ryuji said dismissively. "I'll be sure to get you extra soy sauce."

As he fell into silence, the rest of the table did so as well. The unspoken air of malcontent that had been hanging over them was now spoken, but only became stronger for it.. It filled the whole café, blanketing them all. Their postures deteriorated, their eyelids fell.

Haru, endeavoring to salvage things, put on a bright smile and turned. "Say, Yusuke, how's your art coming along?" she asked.

"Dreadfully," Yusuke responded. "I spent three hours last night staring at a blank canvas."

Everyone waited for him to continue, or at least add in some elaborate metaphor, but it seemed that was it. He fell totally silent, glancing forlornly at the Sayuri. Gradually, the rest of them stopped looking at him.

Sojiro walked through the front door, a stack of letters in hand. "Mail's here," he said. He looked at Ryuji. "Did I hear you guys right earlier? I thought I heard you talking about killing God?"

Ryuji nodded, very grateful for the change in subject. "Yep, this guy did it," he said, pointing at Joker. "Shot him right in the face, point blank."

Sojiro turned his attention to Joker. "You shot God in the face?" he said incredulously. "Like, with a gun?"

Joker shrugged. "He had a gun too," he said defensively.

"And a sword," Futaba pointed out.

"And a book," Yusuke noted.

"And a bell," Haru chimed in.

Sojiro stared at them all for a moment. "This isn't some elaborate metaphor, is it?" he said after a while. "You literally killed God? The Christian God, capital G?"

"_A_ god," Haru clarified. "We don't know if he was that one."

"Yeah, but didn't we have to kill the archangels to get to him?" Ann pointed out. They all pondered this for a moment.

"They could've been…fake archangels, right?" Ryuji offered.

Sojiro exhaled. "Hoo boy," he said. "When I was your age, I was just chasing women."

Joker glanced at Makoto for a moment.

"Anyway, got this letter for you," he said, fishing one out of the stack. "No return address. Any idea who it's from?"

Joker grabbed the letter, and turned it over to open it. Then he stopped. He smiled.

"Well?" Ryuji asked. "What is it?"

Joker tossed the letter onto the table. It landed in the center, the wax seal visible to all.

"Wow!" Morgana shouted.

"For real?" Ryuji said in disbelief.

"That's awesome!" Ann said.

"Already, I feel jealousy brewing inside me," Yusuke said.

"To be invited back so soon, that's a special honor!" Makoto said.

"Please, send us a postcard once you get there," Haru said.

Joker, meanwhile, had opened the letter and began to read it. He smiled and held it up. Everyone began to read it, but Ann's eyes were drawn to the eight names at the bottom.

"We're all invited!" she declared, raising her fist to the sky.

"Wow, seriously?" Ryuji said. "This just took a sudden turn for the awesome!"

"It seems they need our help," Makoto said, speed-reading to the bottom. "Some interdimensional omnipotent creature, in need of being slain."

Morgana chuckled. "They picked the right team, then," he said proudly.

"Does this mean we're actually killing another god?" Ryuji asked. "I was just kiddin' around!"

"We'll be among good company this time," Yusuke said. "From what I've heard, the Smash fighters have also killed a god."

Futaba held up two fingers. "Two gods," she said. "At the same time."

"Well, we'd better step up our game, then!" Ryuji said. "When do they want us?"

"As soon as possible, it says," Makoto said.

As if to accentuate the point, a commotion started up outside. Haru got up and looked out the window. "Um, I don't mean to alarm anyone," she said, "but there's a giant battleship floating above the city."

"That's them!" Futaba declared.

"Already?" Ann said, panicked. "Oh, I need to pack!"

"We all gotta move!" Ryuji agreed.

"Wait," Makoto said. "What about our classes?"

"It'll be fine," Ryuji said. "It says they can get us all doctor's notes."

Makoto looked back at the letter, finding the note Ryuji mentioned about halfway down the page. "Oh sure, when it's Smash he pays attention," she muttered.

Everyone got to their feet and departed, hurrying home to pack whatever they could. Joker dashed upstairs, leaving only Sojiro scratching his head.

"Two gods at once…" he mused. He shrugged. "Good thing I don't go to church anymore," he said. "Boy, would I have some stories for them!"

xxxxxxx

The village quietly hummed as it woke, the people within beginning their morning routines. From the cliff behind it, Dunban saw it all. There was a time where the clamor would easily be heard all the way up here; now, it was barely a murmur. Of course, back then he'd be facing away from the village, not towards it.

Reclined against an oak tree, he ran his fingers through the grass idly. Though he'd soon be asleep, he still felt plenty awake for the time being – certainly alert enough to keep doing his job.

Presently, he heard a series of footsteps behind him. He turned and saw a familiar redhead approach. "Reyn," he said cheerfully.

"Dunban," Reyn replied with a half-wave.

"You're late," Dunban admonished. "How's Sharla doing?"

"Alright, I guess," Reyn said. "I woke up this morning, and she was just staring at the wall, not moving."

Dunban nodded knowingly.

"I didn't know what to do, so I just sat there with her," Reyn continued.

"That is the right thing to do," Dunban said. "It helps, believe me."

Reyn shrugged. "Wish it helped more."

He sat down under the tree. Though Dunban's shift was now over, he stayed there with his old friend for a while.

"Did anybody try to…you know, go for it?" Reyn asked.

Dunban shook his head. "Not this night," he said.

Reyn perked up a little. "D'you think this means maybe they've stopped trying for good?" he asked.

"It's possible," Dunban said, though there was little enthusiasm in his voice. "Or perhaps they simply know we're watching for them now, and they'll try some other methods."

"What, really?" Reyn said. "What're we s'posed to do about that?"

"Not much we can do," Dunban answered. "Perhaps it would be a good idea to have someone stationed on the beach, as well."

"You think so?" Reyn asked. "That'd be the worst way to go about it, wouldn't it?"

"Doesn't mean they won't try it," Dunban said with a sigh. "I'll mention it to the captain on my way back."

"All right," Reyn said. "Bet he'll have the men free for it, at least."

He drummed his fingers on the ground absentmindedly. "World without gods, huh?" he said. "Dunno what I thought that'd be like, but uh, this ain't it."

"None of us could've known it would come to this," Dunban said. "Shulk, least of all."

"You seen him lately?" Reyn asked.

"In the marketplace a few days ago," Dunban said. "We talked for a bit. He seemed to be doing well enough. As well as any of us are, I mean."

"Well, he's got Fiora," Reyn said. "Figures she could take care of 'im."

Dunban nodded. He looked up across the morning sky, scanning it lazily. Something caught his attention, and he squinted at it.

"Oh, got this for you," Reyn said, unaware of whatever he was looking at. He rummaged around in his pocket and fished out a letter. "Saw this in your mailbox. I got one just like it, so I figured we should open 'em together."

He handed the letter to Dunban. The older man took it, his eyes still locked on the distant shape in the sky. Eventually Reyn realized he was looking at something, and he cast his eyes upward as well.

"What's that?" he asked. "Some kinda spaceship?"

"Perhaps," Dunban said. He glanced down at his letter, on a hunch.

Reyn looked harder as the shape gradually came into view. "Wait, that looks like…a battleship!"

Dunban smiled at the letter. "I suppose it is," he said.

Reyn looked at him. "We gotta warn the village!" he said.

He turned to leave, but Dunban took him by the arm. "I don't think so, Reyn," he said. He looked down at the envelope, now on his lap. "All we need to do is pack."


	16. Chapter 16: Drinking pals

**Chapter sixteen**

**Drinking pals**

"No, Mr. Nook, I have no idea why Shari would do something like that."

Bayonetta heard the high-pitched chatter as she approached the lounge and smiled. She wouldn't be drinking alone, it seemed.

It was mostly empty, with the chairs and couches gathering dust. At the bar to the left, though, a small yellow figure sat, talking on her cell phone.

"Um…I think peanut butter works, right? Soapy water, too," Isabelle said. She kept her voice enthusiastic, but as Bayonetta approached, she took note of her exhausted body language.

"I'll…Look, I'll call you back later, okay?" she said. "No, I haven't forgotten that. I'll email them to you tonight." She put a paw to her temple. "Yes, thank you. Goodbye." She hung up the phone and heaved a huge, exhausted sigh.

Bayonetta clinked her bottle of whiskey down on the bar, which made Isabelle jump slightly. "Afternoon, Izzy," she said.

Isabelle pulled out her own sizeable whiskey bottle, clinking it down next to Bayonetta's. "Hey, Bayo," she said glumly.

The taller woman leaned over the bar. "Have you seen the shot glasses?" she asked.

"Right here," Isabelle replied, holding up a pair of tumblers.

"Jolly good," Bayo replied. She took one glass, filled it up, and clinked it against Isabelle's, and the two sank their first drink together.

"Oh, that's the stuff," Isabelle murmured, her body relaxing as she sighed.

Bayonetta wasted no time pouring herself a second drink. "So that little man has you doing paperwork on your vacation?" she said.

"It's my fault," she said. "I just…I can't say no to him. Every time he asks me to do something new, I do it. I don't know why." Her voice took on a manic tinge, so she took another sip.

Bayonetta patted her on the head. "You've got to put him in his place, Izzy. You're already doing the work of three people all at once. Managing a town, a campsite, and a village…I think I'd explode if I tried."

"I know," Isabelle said, reaching the bottom of her first drink even as Bayonetta poured her third. "I just can't stop trying to please him. I keep setting his expectations higher for me, and I know one day it's all going to come down around me, but whenever I have the chance to turn him down…I can't. It's like a voice in my head, forcing me to keep it up. If I say no, maybe he'll find someone else. Someone who can do it better than me."

_Clink_

Someone set down a third bottle next to theirs. A ketchup bottle.

"Yeah, that really sounds _ruff_, buddy," Sans said.

The expressions of the two women fell instantly. "Hello, Sans," Isabelle said dully.

"Afternoon, ladies," the skeleton said, popping off the top of his ketchup bottle and drinking from it. "Work troubles?"

Isabelle, staring in horror at him drinking, said nothing. Bayonetta intervened on her behalf. "This is a private conversation, bone bag," she said.

"Well, you're doing it in a public place, ain't ya?" Sans said, wiping a bit of ketchup off his face with his sleeve. "Besides, I can sympathize. My boss is a real jerk. Treats me rough, doesn't respect me at all, rude to other people – just the worst guy to be around. And I'm self-employed!"

Isabelle managed a chuckle, at least. Bayonetta just drained her glass and glared at him.

"C'mon, gals," Sans said. "Loosen up a bit."

Isabelle raised her glass. "That's what this is for, isn't it?" she said flatly.

"Amen to that, Izzy," Bayonetta said. She refilled her glass just to clink it with Isabelle's.

"Uh, that's…_a _way," Sans admitted. "Ain't the only way, and it sure ain't the best way."

"If you've got a better idea, I'd love to hear it," Isabelle said.

In a flash, Sans pulled out his phone. "Thought you'd never ask," he said.

He rapidly dialed a number and held the phone to his head. "Hello, is this Tom Nook?"

Isabelle's head shot up. "What are you-" she said, before clapping a paw over her mouth. Bayonetta tried to grab the phone out of his hand, but he somehow shifted about five feet to the side, right over to the adjacent barstool.

"Yes, I'd like to inquire about moving to your island," he said, winking to the other two. "I've got a friend who lives there. Mr. Bualz is his name, though you might know him by his first name, Schwetty."

"Are you crazy?" hissed Isabelle. She dove at him, but he dodged again.

"Yeah, I'm sure you'd know him," he continued. "That guy hangs around everywhere."

Bayonetta stifled a giggle.

A bit of chatter came through Sans's phone. "Yeah, I'll hold," he said.

Suddenly, Isabelle's phone began to ring. She froze, mortified.

Bayonetta glared at Sans. "I hope you're happy," she said.

Sans shrugged. "I will be in a second," he said. "Put it on speaker, would you?"

Trembling with worry, Isabelle answered her phone. "H-hello, Mr. Nook," she said.

Tom Nook's voice came through the phone loud and clear.

"Hello, Isabelle. Sorry to bother you again. You wouldn't happen to know any Schwetty Bualz, would you?"

Bayonetta snorted, having to stifle her laughter with her glass. "Come again?" Isabelle said in disbelief.

"Well, I've just been contacted by someone looking to move in," Tom said. "He said he knows some Schwetty Bualz who lives here. Have you heard of him?"

"I…can't say I have," Isabelle said, trying desperately not to giggle.

"I see," Tom said. "Sorry to bother you."

"It's no problem," she said. "Talk to you later." She hung up just in time, as she began to giggle uncontrollably.

Sans, meanwhile, heard some more chatter from his phone. "Haven't heard of him, huh?" he said. "Well, that's fine. Maybe you know my other friend in the area. Name's Harry. Last name Butts."

Isabelle burst into laughter, covering her mouth with both paws. Bayonetta sniggered into her drink.

Sans put his hand over his phone. "Ladies, please, I'm on the phone," he said with mock seriousness, before returning to the call. "Yep, Harry Butts," he continued. "Known him all my life. He gets up at the crack of dawn every day. Not too good at shaving, though."

Bayonetta put a finger to her chin. "You know, I think I've met that guy," she said, her voice slurred a bit. "Bit of an arse, isn't he?"

"Stop, stop," Isabelle gasped, breathless with laughter.

"On the whole, yeah," Sans said. "But when you're in a tight end, he's always got your back side."

Isabelle's phone rang again. It took her fifteen seconds to control her laughter enough to pick up. "Y-yes, Mr. Nook?"

"How about Harry Butts?" he asked. "Know anyone like that?"

Isabelle was vibrating so hard she though she might fall off her chair. "I t-think S-Shari might," she managed.

"Ok, thanks," Tom said, hanging up.

Now Bayonetta leaned over to Sans. "See if he knows my friend Holden," she said.

Isabelle fell off her barstool, clutching her chest. She rolled back and forth, laughing uncontrollably. "S-stop it, guys," she managed. "I'm g-gonna pass out!"

"Told ya," Sans said, holstering his phone. "I knew you could stand to loosen up."

"Oh, I don't think she'll be standing for a while," Bayonetta said with a grin. "It seems I underestimated you, skeleton."

"Yeah," Sans said, taking another gulp from his bottle. "Everyone makes mistakes. Especially that one."

Isabelle clambered back onto her stool, still giggling. "Thank you, Sans," she said. "I needed that."

"You and everyone else," Sans said. "I haven't seen a single person laugh since I came on board, 'cept you. It's like a cemetery around here." He put a hand on his ribcage. "Present company excluded, of course."

Bayonetta swirled her glass around, spilling a little. "Perhaps we're lucky to have you here, then," she said.

Sans shrugged. "Oh, I wouldn't go that far," he said.

"Maybe not," Bayonetta agreed. She stood up, swaying a little as she did so. "Well, I must be off," she said. "Ta-ta, Izzy."

As she began to walk away, Isabelle noticed her whiskey bottle was still on the bar. "Wait, Bayo!" she called, reaching for it. "You forgot your…"

She trailed off when she realized how light the bottle felt in her hand. Talking a closer look confirmed her suspicions. "I-it's empty," she whispered. "It was full when she came in."

Bayonetta wheeled around, the action nearly toppling her over. "Whuzzat," she slurred. "D'you say something, Izzy?"

Isabelle hid the bottle behind her back. "No, I didn't," she said nervously.

"All right," Bayonetta said. She turned again and staggered towards the door, her long legs making it incredibly hard to keep her balance.

Once she had exited, Sans turned to Isabelle. Though he was incapable of either frowning or raising an eyebrow, his skull somehow assumed an expression that implied both. "Ok," he said. "That ain't normal. Sure ain't healthy, either."

Isabelle put her paws on her head. "I didn't realize it had gotten this bad," she said. "I've been drinking with her for years, but never this much. Although…" She inspected the level of drink in her own bottle. "…it seems I can't throw stones there, either."

Sans scratched his head. "Throw stones? That's a funny way to describe trying to save someone's life."

"I know, I know," Isabelle said. "The other girls were saying we needed to do something about it, and I agree. But what can we do?"

"Relax, pup," Sans said, placing a hand on his chest again. "I got this."

Isabelle glanced up at him. "You?" she said.

"Yeah, me," Sans replied. "I'll get her to quit, cold turkey. Maybe Grey Goose, too, if I have to."

Isabelle waved her paws. "No, no, I'll take care of it! Once I get these reports done, I'm sure I'll find some time to schedule a-"

"Too late," Sans said. "I just did it."

"Did what?"

"Solved the problem."

"When?"

"Just now."

"How?"

"Easy. I did it when you were looking over there."

"Over where?"

"There." Sans pointed to a spot behind her.

Isabelle turned. "I wasn't looking over-"

She turned back. Sans was gone. Her bottle of whiskey was missing, too.

"Oh, dear," she said.


End file.
